The journal of a 6-year-old.

After Christmas, Layla's class started keeping a daily journal. Of course, they've missed so much school for weather, there aren't that many entries yet. I LOVE when she brings her's home on Fridays so I can read it!

____________________________________________________________________

1/7/11
Dear first grade journal,
I have a loose tooth and I wiggle it every day. I want it to come out soon. I will have a hole in my smile!
Your friend,
Layla

1/18/11
Dear first grade journal,
Today is my brother and sisters birthday. They are twins and they are both four. I love them.
Your friend,
Layla

1/20/11 (They are sometimes given topics to write about)
These are the good* things about wearing uniforms:
1. They might be comfortable.
2. I would be so glad that I would bust my brain.
3. I will match my friends.

These are the bad* things about wearing uniforms:
1. I couldn't wear pretty dresses.
2. The teacher might mess up.
3. I would not be fun.

I think school uniforms are yuck!

*She turned the word "good" into a happy face, and the word "bad" into an angry face, lol. She also signs her name with hearts inside the As.

1/21/11
Dear first grade journal,
I love (heart for the O) cookies. My favorite kind is chocolate chip. What is YOUR favorite kind? I like to help my mommy make them. I love to dip them in milk.
Your friend,
Layla

1/25/11
Dear first grade journal,
Let me tell you about a really fun summer. I went to the beach. I also went to the pool. But my favorite part was staying with my family.
Your friend,
Layla

1/28/11
Dear frist grade journal,
I want to tell you about my family. I love my family so much! We play the wii all the time. We dance crazy!
Your friend,
Layla

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What a sweet, sweet girl we have!

UPDATE: Sleep study!

Got the call from Vanderbilt today- Cale will be starting the process for the Sleep Project for Children with Autism!

We are really, really excited. Assuming he qualifies after our initial assesment (he should... they require an average time of 30 mins when falling asleep, Cale's is around two hours), the whole study will take approximately three months. We will work with a neurologist, psychologist, and sleep educator- all at Vandy. Cale will be wearing a watch that tracks his sleep patterns so that the data can be downloaded and assessed.

We start the paperwork next week and should have our intitial interview/assessment soon!

The whole (very, very long) story.

Today on Kelly's Korner, she is encouraging adoptive families to share their stories. The hope is that those waiting for an adoption or praying for an adoption will be encouraged and and those who may never have considered adoption will be inspired!

I know I have a brief description of our journey on the bottom right of my blog, but I wanted to share our whole story (I don't think I've ever done that on here?) to give you a better idea of how we became an us!

I always say that our journey to adoption began when I was four years old. Yes, FOUR. That's when I knew I wanted to adopt. At the time, I had NO IDEA where the concept of adoption came from; I don't remember knowing anyone who was adopted. It wasn't a part of my life. But I knew that I was going to adopt my babies and they were gonna come in every color! It was always something that just WAS, and I was very vocal about it. I even had friends write notes in my yearbook in middle school and high school addressed to "Amber's future adopted children..." It wasn't a matter of IF, it was a matter of WHEN.

As a teenager, I started having this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to be able to have biological children. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to, but I wanted to have the option. I used to get very sad and panicked at the thought that I might never experience pregnancy, although I had no medical reason to back that up. It was just a fear I had.

When Nathan and I started dating at 16/17 years old, I was very open about my plan to adopt and told him from the get-go, "You're either in or you're out.". He was in :) Although, I think he would have said anything at that point if it meant I would marry him.

In my late teens, reproductively speaking, things weren't really NORMAL. Although, nothing was going on that could be deemed ABNORMAL. Every concern I had could be excused by one doctor or the next.

Nathan and I got married at 21 and found ourselves VERY unexpectedly expecting! I was S.H.O.C.K.E.D. Not only because we had not been "trying", but because I had truly believed this would never happen for me. I relished in every second of my pregnancy. I never took a single day for granted, I KNEW that this may be my only chance. What a beautiful, beautiful gift we were given.
Our sweet Layla Paige was less than a year old when we started trying to have another one. Not because we necessarily wanted two babies that close together in age, but because we were afraid we were going to miss a window. Unfortunately, after Layla was born, my female system never started back up. I was seeing a new doctor who started me on several different medications to get things going, and it just didn't work.

After a year, we decided to give it a rest. I wanted to go back to school, so we sold our house and moved in with my parents so we could afford it. While living there, we started the adoption process after receiving the email from BCS. I don't even remember there being much discussion about it. The opportunity to start the process presented itself, and we took it. This was always something we were going to do, we are ready for another baby, why not start now?

A few months later, I went back to see my doctor for my yearly check-up when he realized that I was still broken (and yes, that's how it feels). After answering what seemed like a million questions: "No, I didn't have my first period until I was fifteen." "No, it has never been regular, they said I was too thin/active/young to matter." "Yes, I started having hot flashes as a junior in high school, they said they were anxiety attacks." "As a matter of fact, my migraines are worse." "Yes, I do randomly get nauseated/cry/gain weight for no reason and no, I don't sleep well, want to have sex with my husband, or know why my hair is falling out."

My doctor ordered some bloodwork and feared that I was actually in menopause. At 24. If my FSH came back above 23 and my estrogen was below 10, this would confirm it. I didn't need the bloodwork. I knew the results.
It turns out, my FSH was 157. My estrogen, 3. I was not only going through menopause, but had been since I was still in high school.

I was devasted. I was sad. I was confused.
But we had already started the adoption process, so in that very same instant (literally), I was hopeful and excited and SURE. This news just confirmed that we were doing exactly what we were supposed to do. It all made sense now, why God had placed adoption on my heart at such a young age!

We did decide to hold off on finishing our paperwork until we could save some money and buy our own house. Although, lots of people talk about the "wait" with adoption, we were continuously being told that we wouldn't wait very long. Obviously, they can never give you a timeline, but we were young and we were open to just about anything. We regularly met others who had been waiting one, two, even three years. But just incase our adoption worker was right, we wanted to get everything in place before we officially made it on "the list". Ha. So funny when we try to make our own plans!

Not a lot of people know this, but in February of 2007, I got a phone call at work. A friend of a friend had called to say they knew someone in our small town who were looking for adoptive parents. They were the biological grandparents of the baby, currently raising him, but not prepared to be his permanent guardians. And as it turns out, these were people that we knew of and saw on occasion. The baby was five months old, mixed race, and he was BEAUTIFUL.
I spoke on the phone with the grandmother and told her all about our family and our hope. She was very sweet, but hesistant from day one. She assured me that they were going to place the baby for adoption and she liked us. We exchanged emails several times and at her request, I contacted an adoption attorney who gave us the next steps. I emailed her to let her know what the process would most likely look like, and never heard from her again.

Funny thing, when we realized that we were not going to be bringing home that baby, we weren't sad. Disappointed, sure. Frustrated, of course. But not sad. I think we knew all along that he wasn't our baby. Two weeks later, we got the email about "Daniel and Grace".

I got those emails almost daily. Pictures and names of children who needed a forever family. I opened them, read them, prayed for those children, and then I deleted them. When I got the email about "Daniel" and "Grace", I opened it, read it, prayed for them... read it again, printed it out, prayed some more, showed it to Nathan, read it again.

We had always joked about having twins. We were at a hockey game when we were seniors in high school and I told my future husband, we are going to have twins- a boy and a girl. When we had our first meeting at the adoption agency, I asked about twins. Oh, that never happens, they said. But what if it DID? I pushed. We discussed the possibility and they giggled at me. Now this email... twins.

They were six-weeks-old. They were mostly healthy so far, but had full biological siblings with a multitude of issues/concerns/medical struggles, some of which may be genetic. I did call our pediatrician and ask about some of the things the siblings were faced with, what would our life look like if a child of ours had to face the same issues? Talk about overwhelming, we had just basically had a failed placement, now there is not one, but TWO babies, who may or may not be dealing with some special needs at some point, we have VERY little money saved and no house. Why am I even thinking about this?!?!

Nathan and I talked about it, but it just wasn't something that made sense to consider. But WHAT IF we did? What would we name them? Would we dress them alike? What if they ended up having some major medical issues? We can't afford that. Two babies?! That seems like a lot!

That weekend, my step-mom asked me what I was thinking about the twins. I wasn't. Or trying not to. I mean, we just can't do that. I don't want to think about it. This isn't the plan. But what does GOD say? Oh. I hadn't really asked him. I spent that night in prayer.

Sunday, our preacher stopped his sermon to speak about someone not listening to God's voice. He used adoption as an example. He literally said, "Sometimes God wants to take you in a direction you didn't plan for. Yes, it's scary and I know you don't think you can do it, but He's telling you that you CAN. It may not look exactly like what you thought it would, but listen when He tells you this is what He wants you to do." Shaking. My grandmother, who knew nothing of the twins, leaned across three people and squeezed my leg. When Nathan got home from work that night and I started to tell him about the last 24 hours, he cut me off by saying "Those are our babies."

The rest of the craziness is listed on the side of my blog, but 11 very short days later, we brought home TWO babies. Our babies. I don't even remember telling our family that we were going to parent them. Everything is such a blur! I remember telling my boss, and I remember sharing this story at church on Sunday before the babies came home on Monday. I remember people I don't even know coming to shake my hand, and leaving money in it when they walked away. I remember stressing out that the first time I saw them, my face would be naked (I had given up makeup for Lent!) and I didn't want my new son and daughter to not think I was pretty ha. Which is funny (and oh-so-DUMB), it's not like I looked like my best self after giving birth to Layla! Once we were chosen, it didn't even occur to us that we hadn't had time to save up anough money for ONE baby, much less two. Or that we didn't have a house. Or that Nathan had joined the Air Force exactly one month earlier.

Reality set in quick. Within two weeks of bringing Brynn and Cale home, we bought a house and moved. Six weeks later, Nathan left for basic. All of a sudden, I was home alone with a 3-yr-old, two 3-month-olds, an unkept yard, and six months to find out what I was made of.

I thought I knew! I thought I was tough and independent and strong. And I am, all of those things, but God used that time to humble me and teach me to be joyful and content, and to see what was right in front of me instead of longing for what could be or wasn't.

Yes, I still hope against hope to be pregnant again and I ache for another baby (from my body or not), but I also just got to lick Nutella off the fingers of a precious little boy eating lunch in nothing but unders and sunglasses. Yes, I stress over the fact that we still owe thousands of dollars in adoption fees, but I also spent two dollars yesterday so I could paint tiny little pink fingernails with purple polka dots. Yes, I wish we had a bigger house so that we had more room to move, but I also snuggled close with three beautiful miracles this morning before breakfast.

I heard God's voice. It was speaking to me when I was four years old. My oldest was four when she started saying she was going to adopt. She's sure she doesn't want to have a baby in her tummy, she just wants the ones in her heart.

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."
Matthew 18:5

The hair!

I wrote this on my private blog, but so many people have been asking to see it, that I decided to copy (with a few minor edits) to this blog too :)

When I was younger, I used to say I was just going to shave my head and start over. I knew that would never actually happen, but for about a year, I've been secretly hoping to cut it all off. NEVER thought I'd really do that either.


Reasons behind the cut:
1) It is was ridiculously thin and feathery. Ick. When I perform and get all hot and sweaty, it's a MESS. But not long enough to pull up in any cute way and never going to be again... stupid hormones.


2) I have always had the SAME hair. No style, just shorter or longer. Blah. I wanted something cute and fun!



So... off it went! It isn't exactly what I wanted, but I don't even care! In an instant, I felt... free? Sounds so dramatic when you are just talking about hair, but I FINALLY felt like myself for the first time since I don't know when. And I liked me!

My whole attitude has changed, ha. Can hair really do that? It's just hair! I feel sort of glowy and dare I say, confident?


Most of the men-folk don't love it (knew they wouldn't, boys are boring). My brother said, "I HATE it. But you still look really, really pretty. I mean that." Lol. I'll take it! However, Nathan- LOVE LOVE LOVES it. And I can tell he really does, he's not just saying it so I won't get my feelings hurt. Plus, he's loving the change in me that came with it.



,

Sorry, guys. But I'm keeping the hair (with the exception of having it a little longer on top). It's fun, it's healthy, it's EASY, it's ME. :)

Next steps for the little guy.

We've had to go back to the alarm on Cale's bedroom door. We despise it because it upsets him so much when he sets it off, but for over a month he's been back to old habits of roaming the house in the middle of the night. Melatonin isn't working this time. So far, his escapades have mostly involved food and gum (which ended up in his hair), getting drinks he can't have, etc. But we just can't risk his safety.


We are working with his developmental specialist at Vanderbilt on getting him into a sleep study and I am hoping to hear back sometime today. IF he gets in, they will also do a psych evaluation which will give us a "definitive" diagnosis. The bloodwork for Fragile X and a host of other genetic disorders all came back normal. We were fairly certain already that an underlying genetic condition wasn't the cause, but now they have officially been ruled out. We are hoping to get into the sleep study so that we can get some help for him, and for us, regarding his sleep patterns, which very obviously effect his mood/behaviors during the day. He is also wetting the bed again at night after being pull-up free for months?! And that's after restricted liquids (one cup at dinner, none past 6pm), using the potty before bedtime AND a dream-pee around midnight. Not sure if it's related to the rest of the sleep issues or not.

As far as getting his DX on paper, it doesn't really change anything. The point was to get him the help that he needed, and we are. The upside to have a written DX is for future use in school, etc. as a way to educate others on his circumstances, NOT label him. This way, we will be able to provide as much information as possible to those working with him, instead of being in a constant stage of assesment.

We would love some extra prayers regarding the sleep study/psych eval. We really need him to get in. If he doesn't... we will go from there! God has a plan, we're just trying to take the right steps to follow it!

There have been some noticeable changes since he started school, as well. Mostly good. Over the last couple of weeks, we have noticed him using his imagination! Not in a "Cale" way, but in a very typical way. Some people may not think it's that big of a deal to see your 4-yr-old son pretending to eat at his sister's "resturant" or playing "school", but for us it's VERY exciting! He's doing better at sharing (some days) and MUCH better at using his words, even feeling words (he gets them confused a lot, but the fact that he's trying is a big step!). He's even met one of his IEP goals already (matching five colors)!

Also... he is 11 months seizure-free! (We think. The type of seizures he has - usually- often only look like him "zoning out" or an extreme behavior change. There have been a few questionable moments, but nothing major in almost a year! YAY!).

To be comforted/Empty Arms

A friend of mine shared excerpts from these two blogs. It's so helpful when someone else can find the words that describe an indescribable feeling, even if you hate that this is your common bond. We have OBVIOUSLY been blessed in more ways than we could ever imagine, but blessings don't replace "loss". You can love and love and love and love. You can praise God for everything you have been given, you can be eternally grateful for what you DO have... but the part that's buried deep down in there that hurts? That's the part that makes us human. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my God made me in such a way that I CAN be full of joy and still feel pain.



To be comforted...

...is what most of us who have suffered with infertility desire. Unfortunately, the definition of "comfort" differs from person to person. After my last post, I received a sweet email asking if I might share what comforted me during our infertility and what actions or words served to be hurtful/less comforting. The emotional aspect of infertility is such a tricky thing. Some people who have been without means of birth control and trying to conceive for six months may never feel "infertile." Others, like me, felt infertile and began the emotional battle of the journey month ONE after a failed attempt to conceive. So, if you have a friend of whom you know is trying to conceive, one of the best (and easiest) things to do is ask how she is doing and ask for permission to check in with her every so often regarding her infertility. Then, listen to her share what she is willing to divulge. Some people may never want to talk about their infertility...However, I was so incredibly grateful to have friends that would call or question me out of the blue.

I'm sure the common belief may be, "Well, I don't want to bring up infertility with my friend or family member b/c I don't want to remind them of the pain they are going through." Let me just tell you, those of us who have suffered with infertility (or miscarriage, adoption loss, loss of a child) ARE in pain...every day, every hour, every minute. For most of us, the loss and grief never leave our minds. It hurt me more when my friends did not ask me about our difficulty conceiving...So, don't be afraid to check in with your friend or loved one...but, first make sure they are fine with you doing so.

I know I have shared about the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake...I absolutely LOVE this book as it has been such an encouragement to me over the past two years. In the book, she labels the friends and family members of those suffering with infertility as "burden bearers." I think that is such a fitting description! Those of us undergoing infertility, miscarriage, the loss of a child, and/or adoption loss really need burden bearers in our lives. We cannot go through this alone! So, please check in with us regularly...and then listen to what we are willing to share! ...more to come later on how to help comfort those suffering with infertility...(on a side note...I wanted to share a link to this blog post that I felt covered a great deal on what NOT to say to those suffering with infertility)



Empty Arms...

I have never known the loss of miscarriage or the death of a child...and some might say our loss is not really a "loss" at all. However, I know and firmly believe that grieving the loss of the child we never had is real and valid. Every month for two years, I grieved...I cried out to God...I begged Him to take away our pain...and to provide us with a child to love. But, the pain remained and we were left without a child. I could not understand why God would not want us to have this good thing...why He would not want our family to grow. Then, my thoughts turned inward and I began comparing myself to others who seemed to have no problem conceiving. As that continued, I began to feel like less of a woman. I started to believe a complete lie that there must be something wrong with me as a female and this was the reason I was unable to conceive a child (even after the doctors could not find a reason for our infertility). Once I dealt with my identity issues, I was attacked with another lie that I allowed myself to believe...that because of this "list" I had put together in my mind of "good things" I had done I, therefore, "deserved" a child. Wow...thankfully, God got a hold of me and I was reminded (in a loving and gracious way that only comes from God) that I do not deserve ANYTHING, but death and separation from Him...but, through Christ I have the opportunity to have eternal life and joy on this earth. God does not "owe" me anything!I wonder how many other women suffering with infertility have believed such lies.

I wonder how many women and couples dealing with infertility never open up about their struggles. I found that one of the ways God helped me get through our grief was by talking about it...with those that understood my pain and with family and friends that maybe did not understand, but were willing to listen. I am so grateful for those God put in my life at that time...I long to be used to offer the same encouragement and support to others ...God is a good...He gives us exactly what we need when we need it. Only He know best the plans for our lives.

Rough and Tumble.

Two days later, his mouth STILL looks like this. And mouths heal quickly! Also, notice the scratch going down his entire face courtesy of Oakley. And he fell down the outside steps yesterday and took a chunk off his shin. And and and....

Can you say B.O.Y.?

4 X 2

Somebody stole my babies and brought me back two FOUR-YEAR-OLDS!
It's pretty unbelievable, really.




I feel fairly confident that the twins had a great birthday yesterday. They woke up to cookies for breakfast... believe me when I tell you this was quite a treat! Cale was finally going back to school, so the night before, the girls and I baked some homemade car and truck cookies for his class. He wasn't thrilled with the idea of having a class party or sharing his cookies, but he knew that was the deal if he was going to get to eat one! It sounds like he handled it ok... he wouldn't wear the birthday crown and he had a bit of a meltdown when they sang to him, but he told me ten times that he and Katie (?)/Caden (?)/Caitlyn(!!!) both had truck cookies, sweet :)



Brynn and I had some chores to do at home and she needed her hair done, so we spent the morning playing and taking care of those things. I took her out to lunch (she requested salad and yogurt from Chik-fil-A), however, we were running a little late so that meant we had to pick Cale up first. Worked out GREAT because it also meant Daddy would be able to meet us! So we all got to have lunch together and Brynn and Cale got to play together on the indoor playground for quite a while. AND they were sent home with balloons :)




After long naps, we made pepperoni strombolis at home for dinner and sang 'Happy Birthday' (again) before heading out.















We had planned a trip to Candylicious, but apparently they closed last month! So, they settled on Sweet Cece's, my their usual favorite. They love getting to do their frozen yogurt and toppings all by themselves (mostly) and then eating their disgusting interesting creations.





Uncle Cay-Cay had a home game last night, so we cheered him on. Well, the adults did, the kiddos played a mean game of hide-and-seek in the cafeteria until Cale ended up with a busted lip.

Their actual party isn't until the end of next month, but on Monday, Nonie and Pap stopped by with birthday surprises!





Big kid bikes! They/We LOVE them! I thought at first that it may take some time for them to get the hang of it. We don't have the best place to ride right now, so they have VERY little experience on bikes. But they both picked it up pretty quikly! I was amazed at Cale starting and stopping within only a few minutes, he usually struggles with pedals and tends to give up really quickly. But at school, they have a large patio with probably 12-15 tricycles and they go out and ride every day, weather-permitting. It's obviously made a huge difference in his motor skills! Exciting :)




Aren't they adorable in their little helmets? They've already been out riding this a.m. (um... we MAY have overslept this morning. L barely made it to school on time, but there was no hope for the little guy. They NEVER sleep past 6-6:30, so the fact that I had to wake them to take Layla to school at 8:30 means they must need some rest!)

Sigh. My littles aren't so little. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRYNN CHRISTINE AND CALE BENJAMIN! What a fun age...

Running sucks and I never want to do it again.

I realize I just wrote this blog about how excited I am to run again a measly 48 hours ago. Well, that was 48 hours ago! Now that I'm actually doing it... ugh.

It's just too.dang.cold.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself the problem is. That, and I'm not completely healthy yet, which doesn't help at all. It WILL get better...

right?




The whole reason I want to do this is to feel good about myself, to feel like I accomplished something. I want to be GOOD at something. Actually, I want to be great at something. Have you ever seen that episode of "Little Bill" where he realizes everyone has a "thing" and he doesn't know what his "thing" is? His mother's thing is taking pictures. His dad's thing is jazz music. And it turns out Little Bill's thing is telling stories.

I need a thing. I don't really know why (can't afford therapy anymore), but I always wanted to have a thing- something to identify myself with, something for others to identify me with. Something I'm great at. I've been searching for it my whole life. I've always been okay at a lot of things; I was okay at basketball, I was okay at playing the piano, I was okay at soccer (and dance, and volleyball, and golf, and softball, and pageants, and...). I was like Danny Zuko trying to figure out how to be the best at something even if it was ridiculously out of my comfort zone.

I had wanted it to be teaching children with special needs, but I got impatient, so I quit and changed to nursing. Then I quit that just days before I even got started. I had hoped it would be photography, but I'm not great and have never had the time/money for classes to get better so I quit. So far, it seems like my thing is quitting. Not exactly what I want to be identified with OR want to teach my children, even if I am pretty good at it.

Running sucks (so far), but I want it to be my new thing. I want to do it and I want to do it well and feel good about myself. Can you just pick your thing? Can you just decide that you are going to do something and be good at it? Or does your thing have to find you? Does it matter if you start out doing it for someone else? Am I setting myself up for failure/quitting if I pick a thing to prove something to someone else? I'm also really bad at making decisions, could someone just pick my thing for me?

Maybe I have a thing I'm not aware of? We are, in fact, our biggest critics. Maybe there is something others identify me with or something I'm good at and don't know it. Maybe everyone identifies me with something different. Maybe I don't have to have just ONE thing...


I'm good at planning parties. I'm good at dancing. I'm good at making my kids laugh. I'm good at cooking. I'm good at listening. I'm good at talking! I'm good at praying. I'm good at reading. I'm good at making my husband feel loved. I'm good at being pregnant (I didn't choose to quit that!), but I was good at it. I'm good at eating. I'm good at singing in the car. I'm good at shopping. I'm good at putting on makeup. I'm good at changing my mind.

Now if only I could be satisfied with that! Free therapy, anyone?

Sister, Sister.

Fourth day out of school this week! I thought LP would be disappointed, but she said "YESSSS!" Fist pump.
Surprising, since she loves school so much, but she says she loves being with her family more. Awwww.

And the little kids sure do love having her home! (She tends to take over in the entertainment department.)

The girls have been so, so sweet together. I love watching sisters. I grew up with only boys, so this is a whole new (precious) world for me!

Today, they threw me a surprise party. I'm not exacly why the party or what the surprise was, but they worked really hard to get "1-2-3-SURPRISE!" down pat.




Then there was snack with all the babies.


A little dress up, complete with red lips.



How pretty is she with her ruby lips and one earring?




Where was Cale during all this? I have no real idea. He was always around, just in his own world today and spending a significant amount of time NOT taking a nap in his room. Certainly not excluded, he's just having a bit of a rough one and choosing not to participate in anything. And trust me, it has nothing to do with their choice of activities. He didn't want to participate when they were racing Batman cars or "lifting weights" either.


They get another night with Daddy tonight (yay for dance jobs!), but we should have a great weekend together before we get back to our routine next week (surely?).

Girl Scout Camp & GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!

This is pretty fashionably late, but I hated to waste some cute photos.
A couple of months ago, Layla and some of Daisy Troop 1912 spent a day a Camp Sycamore Hills, celebrating the birthday of Juliette Low (the original Daisy and founder of Girl Scouts!).

It was such fun day for these little girls (and maybe the moms too). The goal was to give them an experience of the life of Juliette Low (b.1860 d.1927). They learned a lot, I learned a lot, and they had a dandy of a time playing with the simplest of games (some of which Layla came home to teach the twins and we still play.)

Cupcakes and icream for the birthday party :)




Dressing up like Juliette!




GAMES

Girl Scout pledge/handshake relay races...


"Slipper, slipper, Who has the slipper?"





Some of our girls!






By the way... (for those that didn't get an email)
Layla is currently selling Girl Scout cookies! If you live in our area and would like to order some, LET US KNOW!! They are $3.50 a box.

Her "little" goal is 175 boxes (she would get a "Daisy" hat and glove set, 2 patches, fashion portfolio, and 2 stuffed animals. er "big" goal is 1500 boxes... she wants a DS!

We have:
Lemon Chalet Cremes
Trefoils (shortbread)
Do-Si-Dos (oatmeal with peanut butter filling)
Samoas (caramel and coconut with chocolate coating)
Dulce De Leche (caramel chip)
Thank U Berry Munch (cranberry/white fudge chip)
Tagalongs (chocolate/peanut butter center)
Thin Mints


Now I think I'll go make some homemade applesauce.

Ready, ready, ready... ready to run.

It's that time of year again... time to train for the marathon.

This will be the third year in a row that I've started training, though I've yet to run the race. HOWEVER, the past two years I have been really struggling with anxiety and literal, diagnosed, PTSD, and running was one of my triggers. And although I enjoy running and had really wanted to accomplish that goal for myself, part of it was more about being something else, proving something to someone else, in a weird, twisted way that my disease helped me make sense of.

THIS YEAR... this year... is different. I am free. It's a new freedom that's only gently been tested, but it is freedom nonetheless and I feel much, much more ready to do this. And ONLY for me. I don't do things for ONLY me very often, but I will this. And I won't do it alone (bonus!!).

I had really hoped to get started last week, which would give me two extra weeks before the County Music half, buuuuttt... my throat hates me. For 8 days I have been suffering with the most horrific throat/ear pain. I honestly didn't realize a sore throat could hurt so badly. Like... making deals with God, willing to birth a hippotamus with no epidural, or chew off my own foot, bad. I started with fever and body aches, then moved on to the swollen glands. Strep test and culture were both negative. Doc said just stick to IB profen, which was just NOT going to cut it. I saw another doctor yesterday (two actually) Mono test negative. But finally got a steroid shot in the keester, a super-dose of antibiotics and strict instructions to stay in bed so my eardrum didn't rupture. FINALLY... relief today. (Nearly) pain-free! I can move and breathe and eat and everything!

So... now that I'm off my deathbed, I think I'm ready. I'm a wee bit weak still and Nathan may not get home before dark so I will probably save my first road miles for tomorrow. The hubs has loaded up my MP3 player with "songs that make you want to run" and they really do! Still have all my gear (minus a distance tracker... I should be looking for one), Oakley has a retractable leash so he can go with me (he isn't my "official" running partner... Leslie is going to be my weekend buddy!). I'm ready.

Let the encouragement begin! :)

Winter Weather!

I'd say we had about three inches at our house, maybe five on top of Nathan's work truck. Plenty for the littles to play in! It was fun yesterday and I was glad to have it, but I'm over it now. The kids are going stir crazy, Cale has yet to go back to school since Christmas break and he NEEDS his routine. But for a day, it sure was fun!





Who needs a sled?! You can simply just roll yourself down a hill.





haha. I love this picture. Nathan had a stockpile of snowballs and took Brynn out at her feet!




Rainbow snow cream :)






My favorite blessings!

Amen!

We looked up yesterday just in time to see Brynn baptizing Layla in the doll crib. By the time I grabbed a phone for a pic, she had moved on to Cale and realized we were watching :)




"Dear God, please take Cale. He hits people on purpose. Amen."

Their OTHER mommy and daddy.

We have a very closed adoption (their choice, not ours). However, we do have quite a bit of information about the twins' birthparents/siblings, so we talk about them often and share what we know.

Brynn has suddenly taken an interest and started asking things like, "Where's my mommy?" And if I say, something along the lines of 'Right here, silly!' she replies, "No, my OTHER mommy."

I wasn't expecting it the first time so I fumbled a little bit and just said I didn't know, then told her she might be in Memphis (where they were born).

On Christmas, she kept saying she needed to "call" R and H (birthparents) on her plastic pink cellphone. She chattered away on it for some time before coming back to tell me she had "talked" to them. I was excited for her and asked if they were having a good Christmas? What did they say?!

"They said Merry Christmas and they are coming to see me!"

It kind of caught me off guard, but I just said "You know what? Maybe someday they will. Maybe." I mean, how would I know what the future holds, right?!
But I also don't want to mislead her or build up her hopes in these types of situations (if that's what she hopes for), only for her to resent me for it later if that doesn't happen.


I didn't expect to be having these conversations at not quite 4-yrs-old. I'm assuming it's ok to give relatively vague answers for now until she's emotionally more mature and can handle a deeper conversation?

Cale insists that there IS no other mommy or daddy. I am his Mommy. I have assured him that yes, I am his mommy, but R is his birthmommy. She made him and he grew in her tummy. She loves him. We talk about how he's going to be so tall like Uncle Cay-Cay (my brother), and did he know he has another brother named B who is tall and plays basketball too? He insists he does not.

The only time he has ever acknowledged having a biological family was when he came to me and said he wanted me to go to the doctor and let them put a baby in my belly. When I tried to explain to him that it (simply) wouldn't work, he said, "Then you go see that other mommy and ask her to grow you another one!".

It was actually kind of cute, but again, trying to explain to him that she doesn't just grow babies for people, but rather when she had him she was his mommy, and God wanted us all to be a family.

I have read and heard and thought of so many "right" things to say in these instances, but when the time comes, I seem to be stumbling just to not say the wrong thing. But then I wonder... is there really a "wrong" answer if I'm honest and considerate? If I do my job, my children will know that it's safe to talk to me about how they feel and it's okay to ask questions. I won't have all the answers. Except to one... we (R, H, Nathan and I) love them. And that's the right answer, right?

2010 in Review

A couple of my friends have taken their FB statuses from this past year and shared the ones pertaining to their kids... I took a look through mine and found some pretty entertaining tidbits! Here's a fairly accurate glimpse into our home :)

Poor Cale-man doesn't know what to do without his other half! He's already tried to head out the door twice to go get her.

I'm SO happy Nathan is home and next to me in our bed every night. I'm less thrilled that his snoring returned with him.

I need a bajillion dollars.

My kids are playing house. Layla is the mommy. Cale is the son. His name is Nathan and he's 20. Brynn is the daughter, her name is Amber... she's 45. Real funny, guys.

I probably shouldn't be this proud of my 3-yr-olds rendition of 'Golddigger', but I am.

My husband just brought home an "I'm sorry I put your favorite jeans in the dryer card." bwahaha. I love him.

Cale just added "God bless Glee" to his prayers :)

Brynn + roller skates + cha cha slide= HILARIOUS.

Making 6-layer rainbow cupcakes for L's class tomorrow! Why do I insist on making things harder than they have to be?!

So what's the going rate for our first tooth these days? The male tooth fairy and the female tooth fairy can't seem to agree.

Disney or bust! Literally. After the week we've had, only Disney will do!

Layla was offered a job at Animal Kingdom. I turned in my application for Magic Kingdom. And I'm looking into getting a sea lion.

Whenever we do move, I sure will miss seeing half the neighborhood walk their kids to school with their dogs alongside the lake on these beautiful sunshiny mornings!

Dinner with my favorite family (mine). Now I have three naked kids eating 25 cent Blizzards for dessert. Such a good day.

Put a childproof lock on the refridgerator so Cale would stop treating himself in the middle of the night, only to find him eating yogurt in bed at 4:30am after REMOVING the entire lock. Sigh... plan G?

Heading to Layla's school for the Fun Run! She's pretty confident she's going to run 2000 laps in 30 minutes.

I heart teamwork.

My brain is bored. I need to create, or plan, or dream up SOMETHING!

Just had THE most fun picnic with LP (twins are asleep). I now know that she would rather be a bird than a fish. If she were a mermaid, her tail would be hot pink. And if she could, she would be friends with a butterfly. Now back to the slip-n-slide!

"Princess Camp" may have been the best idea ever for Brynn. She is the most adorable ballerina... on speed.

11 years together today, me and him. Busy living, feels like dreaming- slowly drifting, through this perfect day. Love you, West.

Who wants some melatonin for dessert?!

So I fell out of my bed last night... that hasn't happened in a while.

I really think family vehicles should be sold with windows that roll up between the front and back like limousines.

Me: Brynn, you don't have to talk to EVEYBODY (meaning, strangers). B: I do just have to, Mommy! I have hello's in my heart!

I need a Monster. (As in the energy drink, not another 3-yr-old, just to clarify.)

A million places to be today and Cale bends my car keys. Really, son?!

My child named her feet "Floppy" and "Junior". Ha. I love her.

I'm choosing to love Brynn today.

According to my son, God wants him to have a cherry coke.

I have the sweetest little boy in all the land.

Brynn just told me I nauseate her. I think we need to lay off "The Grinch" for a while.

"Do not put your banana in your ear." - added to the list of things I never thought I'd say.

Me: Would you like to go to the pet store and play with the pets? Cale: No ma'am, I'd like to go to the monster truck store and play with those.

Dear Diary,

A lot of my friends use their blog as a diary of sorts, I get that. It's an outlet that's safe- behind a computer screen, no one to confront you face-to-face when you type something they don't like or disagree with. It's a way to coherently express your views and opinions after having time to sort them out and collect your thoughts versus (generally) just reacting or spouting off. I get it.

I generally don't do that. I'm too worried about saying the wrong thing or offending someone. I'm not willing to open myself up and let myself be vulnerable, even if it's on a screen. If you knew how I really felt about... well, most things, you might not like it. And since about 62% of who I am is still trying to make everyone else happy, that's not an option. I keep this a blog that's a very light-hearted, happy-go-lucky way of letting our friends and family keep up with us. I share cute pictures of my kids, I tell silly stories about our life. I very rarely write anything personal or make any kind of statement. I do the same on Facebook. I am not the person that discloses all the personal details of my day or posts the dramatic ups and downs of life. It's light. It's easy. It's safe.

But here's the thing...
(By the way, there is no point to this post. Just ramblings. I won't be offended if you stop reading. Heck, I won't even know if you stop reading.)

No matter what I type, or DON'T type, people are going to think/say/do what they want. It doesn't matter that I have not said on this blog (or Facebook or wherever) anything about my eating disorder or my treatment for it. It's doesn't matter that I have said, we are doing everything we know how to get our son the help he needs. It doesn't matter if you understand how I can cry about having NO money and cry about not having another baby on the same day. This is my blog. This is my life. This is me.

You won't read anything on here that isn't. It's all real, nothing even the slightest bit fake. Good, bad, and ugly- I've put a little bit of everything out there. That doesn't mean I've put EVERYTHING out there. I share what I feel like sharing and I've decided to do more of it. People are going to make assumptions, judgements, guesses about me and my life no matter what. The least I can do is allow them an educated guess. And already only 55% of me cares how you feel about it. :)

So to start you off...
Today I am going to paint my girls' toenails. I am going to have a fly-fishing tournament on Wii with my husband. I am going to eat junk food and feel crappy about it, and then I'm going to do Zumba and run it off. I'm going to move the stack of bills (again) because I sort of believe if I don't open them, they don't exist. I am going to brainstorm fundraising ideas on how to pay for my upcoming mission trips to Jamaica and Africa. I am going to name babies that don't exist yet because it keeps me hopeful. I am going to cry for a minute because the "babies" I do have, are almost four. I am going to find out how to go to CNA school so that I might actually get one of the jobs I keep applying for. I am going to read my bible. I'm going to be sad and happy at the same time. I'm going to feel desperate and blessed at the same time. I'm going to love and be loved. I'm going to laugh while I complain. Today, I'm just gonna be me.

Dec 26th, 27th, and 28th.

Last Christmas post! Then I'll feel caught up and can blabber on and on about other whathaveyous in our life.

The morning of the 26th we had church. Brynn and I stayed home because she said her stomach hurt and spent a little time near the toilet... I didn't want to risk it after the Christmas Layla and I just had! That night we went back to church for an evening Christmas/baptism service (she ended up being fine all day so we all went at night).
It was a fun service (yes, I said "fun". Our church is FUN!) But even better than fun, my little brother got baptized! He would be less than thrilled that I'm broadcasting it on my blog (he never even tell our parents! I did so they could be there! This is the kid that won't open gifts in front of us, he doesn't like attention!), but I'm proud of him so I'm doing it anyway.

The 27th we had Christmas at my grandfather's. ALL the kids were W.I.L.D. But they had a good time playing together and singing songs with Andy :)





The 28th we had (finally) our last Christmas for the year with the biggest side of my family! Exceptionally enjoyable game of Dirty Santa, even if Debbie did ruin my life my stealing that cross necklace from me! ;) LOTS of cousins for the kiddos to play with that they never really get to see. Good times.



:That would be HALF of the room:




All in all, we had a fantastic season. Smoother than ever (although we are still recooperating. I seriously believe that's why Nathan and I got sick (fluish) again this week... our bodies are DONE). Glad to have today (New Year's Day) to do nothing. I can't even remember the last time we were home all day with nothing to do. Feels goooood.