Dear Diary,

A lot of my friends use their blog as a diary of sorts, I get that. It's an outlet that's safe- behind a computer screen, no one to confront you face-to-face when you type something they don't like or disagree with. It's a way to coherently express your views and opinions after having time to sort them out and collect your thoughts versus (generally) just reacting or spouting off. I get it.

I generally don't do that. I'm too worried about saying the wrong thing or offending someone. I'm not willing to open myself up and let myself be vulnerable, even if it's on a screen. If you knew how I really felt about... well, most things, you might not like it. And since about 62% of who I am is still trying to make everyone else happy, that's not an option. I keep this a blog that's a very light-hearted, happy-go-lucky way of letting our friends and family keep up with us. I share cute pictures of my kids, I tell silly stories about our life. I very rarely write anything personal or make any kind of statement. I do the same on Facebook. I am not the person that discloses all the personal details of my day or posts the dramatic ups and downs of life. It's light. It's easy. It's safe.

But here's the thing...
(By the way, there is no point to this post. Just ramblings. I won't be offended if you stop reading. Heck, I won't even know if you stop reading.)

No matter what I type, or DON'T type, people are going to think/say/do what they want. It doesn't matter that I have not said on this blog (or Facebook or wherever) anything about my eating disorder or my treatment for it. It's doesn't matter that I have said, we are doing everything we know how to get our son the help he needs. It doesn't matter if you understand how I can cry about having NO money and cry about not having another baby on the same day. This is my blog. This is my life. This is me.

You won't read anything on here that isn't. It's all real, nothing even the slightest bit fake. Good, bad, and ugly- I've put a little bit of everything out there. That doesn't mean I've put EVERYTHING out there. I share what I feel like sharing and I've decided to do more of it. People are going to make assumptions, judgements, guesses about me and my life no matter what. The least I can do is allow them an educated guess. And already only 55% of me cares how you feel about it. :)

So to start you off...
Today I am going to paint my girls' toenails. I am going to have a fly-fishing tournament on Wii with my husband. I am going to eat junk food and feel crappy about it, and then I'm going to do Zumba and run it off. I'm going to move the stack of bills (again) because I sort of believe if I don't open them, they don't exist. I am going to brainstorm fundraising ideas on how to pay for my upcoming mission trips to Jamaica and Africa. I am going to name babies that don't exist yet because it keeps me hopeful. I am going to cry for a minute because the "babies" I do have, are almost four. I am going to find out how to go to CNA school so that I might actually get one of the jobs I keep applying for. I am going to read my bible. I'm going to be sad and happy at the same time. I'm going to feel desperate and blessed at the same time. I'm going to love and be loved. I'm going to laugh while I complain. Today, I'm just gonna be me.