The whole (very, very long) story.

Today on Kelly's Korner, she is encouraging adoptive families to share their stories. The hope is that those waiting for an adoption or praying for an adoption will be encouraged and and those who may never have considered adoption will be inspired!

I know I have a brief description of our journey on the bottom right of my blog, but I wanted to share our whole story (I don't think I've ever done that on here?) to give you a better idea of how we became an us!

I always say that our journey to adoption began when I was four years old. Yes, FOUR. That's when I knew I wanted to adopt. At the time, I had NO IDEA where the concept of adoption came from; I don't remember knowing anyone who was adopted. It wasn't a part of my life. But I knew that I was going to adopt my babies and they were gonna come in every color! It was always something that just WAS, and I was very vocal about it. I even had friends write notes in my yearbook in middle school and high school addressed to "Amber's future adopted children..." It wasn't a matter of IF, it was a matter of WHEN.

As a teenager, I started having this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't going to be able to have biological children. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to, but I wanted to have the option. I used to get very sad and panicked at the thought that I might never experience pregnancy, although I had no medical reason to back that up. It was just a fear I had.

When Nathan and I started dating at 16/17 years old, I was very open about my plan to adopt and told him from the get-go, "You're either in or you're out.". He was in :) Although, I think he would have said anything at that point if it meant I would marry him.

In my late teens, reproductively speaking, things weren't really NORMAL. Although, nothing was going on that could be deemed ABNORMAL. Every concern I had could be excused by one doctor or the next.

Nathan and I got married at 21 and found ourselves VERY unexpectedly expecting! I was S.H.O.C.K.E.D. Not only because we had not been "trying", but because I had truly believed this would never happen for me. I relished in every second of my pregnancy. I never took a single day for granted, I KNEW that this may be my only chance. What a beautiful, beautiful gift we were given.
Our sweet Layla Paige was less than a year old when we started trying to have another one. Not because we necessarily wanted two babies that close together in age, but because we were afraid we were going to miss a window. Unfortunately, after Layla was born, my female system never started back up. I was seeing a new doctor who started me on several different medications to get things going, and it just didn't work.

After a year, we decided to give it a rest. I wanted to go back to school, so we sold our house and moved in with my parents so we could afford it. While living there, we started the adoption process after receiving the email from BCS. I don't even remember there being much discussion about it. The opportunity to start the process presented itself, and we took it. This was always something we were going to do, we are ready for another baby, why not start now?

A few months later, I went back to see my doctor for my yearly check-up when he realized that I was still broken (and yes, that's how it feels). After answering what seemed like a million questions: "No, I didn't have my first period until I was fifteen." "No, it has never been regular, they said I was too thin/active/young to matter." "Yes, I started having hot flashes as a junior in high school, they said they were anxiety attacks." "As a matter of fact, my migraines are worse." "Yes, I do randomly get nauseated/cry/gain weight for no reason and no, I don't sleep well, want to have sex with my husband, or know why my hair is falling out."

My doctor ordered some bloodwork and feared that I was actually in menopause. At 24. If my FSH came back above 23 and my estrogen was below 10, this would confirm it. I didn't need the bloodwork. I knew the results.
It turns out, my FSH was 157. My estrogen, 3. I was not only going through menopause, but had been since I was still in high school.

I was devasted. I was sad. I was confused.
But we had already started the adoption process, so in that very same instant (literally), I was hopeful and excited and SURE. This news just confirmed that we were doing exactly what we were supposed to do. It all made sense now, why God had placed adoption on my heart at such a young age!

We did decide to hold off on finishing our paperwork until we could save some money and buy our own house. Although, lots of people talk about the "wait" with adoption, we were continuously being told that we wouldn't wait very long. Obviously, they can never give you a timeline, but we were young and we were open to just about anything. We regularly met others who had been waiting one, two, even three years. But just incase our adoption worker was right, we wanted to get everything in place before we officially made it on "the list". Ha. So funny when we try to make our own plans!

Not a lot of people know this, but in February of 2007, I got a phone call at work. A friend of a friend had called to say they knew someone in our small town who were looking for adoptive parents. They were the biological grandparents of the baby, currently raising him, but not prepared to be his permanent guardians. And as it turns out, these were people that we knew of and saw on occasion. The baby was five months old, mixed race, and he was BEAUTIFUL.
I spoke on the phone with the grandmother and told her all about our family and our hope. She was very sweet, but hesistant from day one. She assured me that they were going to place the baby for adoption and she liked us. We exchanged emails several times and at her request, I contacted an adoption attorney who gave us the next steps. I emailed her to let her know what the process would most likely look like, and never heard from her again.

Funny thing, when we realized that we were not going to be bringing home that baby, we weren't sad. Disappointed, sure. Frustrated, of course. But not sad. I think we knew all along that he wasn't our baby. Two weeks later, we got the email about "Daniel and Grace".

I got those emails almost daily. Pictures and names of children who needed a forever family. I opened them, read them, prayed for those children, and then I deleted them. When I got the email about "Daniel" and "Grace", I opened it, read it, prayed for them... read it again, printed it out, prayed some more, showed it to Nathan, read it again.

We had always joked about having twins. We were at a hockey game when we were seniors in high school and I told my future husband, we are going to have twins- a boy and a girl. When we had our first meeting at the adoption agency, I asked about twins. Oh, that never happens, they said. But what if it DID? I pushed. We discussed the possibility and they giggled at me. Now this email... twins.

They were six-weeks-old. They were mostly healthy so far, but had full biological siblings with a multitude of issues/concerns/medical struggles, some of which may be genetic. I did call our pediatrician and ask about some of the things the siblings were faced with, what would our life look like if a child of ours had to face the same issues? Talk about overwhelming, we had just basically had a failed placement, now there is not one, but TWO babies, who may or may not be dealing with some special needs at some point, we have VERY little money saved and no house. Why am I even thinking about this?!?!

Nathan and I talked about it, but it just wasn't something that made sense to consider. But WHAT IF we did? What would we name them? Would we dress them alike? What if they ended up having some major medical issues? We can't afford that. Two babies?! That seems like a lot!

That weekend, my step-mom asked me what I was thinking about the twins. I wasn't. Or trying not to. I mean, we just can't do that. I don't want to think about it. This isn't the plan. But what does GOD say? Oh. I hadn't really asked him. I spent that night in prayer.

Sunday, our preacher stopped his sermon to speak about someone not listening to God's voice. He used adoption as an example. He literally said, "Sometimes God wants to take you in a direction you didn't plan for. Yes, it's scary and I know you don't think you can do it, but He's telling you that you CAN. It may not look exactly like what you thought it would, but listen when He tells you this is what He wants you to do." Shaking. My grandmother, who knew nothing of the twins, leaned across three people and squeezed my leg. When Nathan got home from work that night and I started to tell him about the last 24 hours, he cut me off by saying "Those are our babies."

The rest of the craziness is listed on the side of my blog, but 11 very short days later, we brought home TWO babies. Our babies. I don't even remember telling our family that we were going to parent them. Everything is such a blur! I remember telling my boss, and I remember sharing this story at church on Sunday before the babies came home on Monday. I remember people I don't even know coming to shake my hand, and leaving money in it when they walked away. I remember stressing out that the first time I saw them, my face would be naked (I had given up makeup for Lent!) and I didn't want my new son and daughter to not think I was pretty ha. Which is funny (and oh-so-DUMB), it's not like I looked like my best self after giving birth to Layla! Once we were chosen, it didn't even occur to us that we hadn't had time to save up anough money for ONE baby, much less two. Or that we didn't have a house. Or that Nathan had joined the Air Force exactly one month earlier.

Reality set in quick. Within two weeks of bringing Brynn and Cale home, we bought a house and moved. Six weeks later, Nathan left for basic. All of a sudden, I was home alone with a 3-yr-old, two 3-month-olds, an unkept yard, and six months to find out what I was made of.

I thought I knew! I thought I was tough and independent and strong. And I am, all of those things, but God used that time to humble me and teach me to be joyful and content, and to see what was right in front of me instead of longing for what could be or wasn't.

Yes, I still hope against hope to be pregnant again and I ache for another baby (from my body or not), but I also just got to lick Nutella off the fingers of a precious little boy eating lunch in nothing but unders and sunglasses. Yes, I stress over the fact that we still owe thousands of dollars in adoption fees, but I also spent two dollars yesterday so I could paint tiny little pink fingernails with purple polka dots. Yes, I wish we had a bigger house so that we had more room to move, but I also snuggled close with three beautiful miracles this morning before breakfast.

I heard God's voice. It was speaking to me when I was four years old. My oldest was four when she started saying she was going to adopt. She's sure she doesn't want to have a baby in her tummy, she just wants the ones in her heart.

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."
Matthew 18:5