To be comforted/Empty Arms

A friend of mine shared excerpts from these two blogs. It's so helpful when someone else can find the words that describe an indescribable feeling, even if you hate that this is your common bond. We have OBVIOUSLY been blessed in more ways than we could ever imagine, but blessings don't replace "loss". You can love and love and love and love. You can praise God for everything you have been given, you can be eternally grateful for what you DO have... but the part that's buried deep down in there that hurts? That's the part that makes us human. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and my God made me in such a way that I CAN be full of joy and still feel pain.



To be comforted...

...is what most of us who have suffered with infertility desire. Unfortunately, the definition of "comfort" differs from person to person. After my last post, I received a sweet email asking if I might share what comforted me during our infertility and what actions or words served to be hurtful/less comforting. The emotional aspect of infertility is such a tricky thing. Some people who have been without means of birth control and trying to conceive for six months may never feel "infertile." Others, like me, felt infertile and began the emotional battle of the journey month ONE after a failed attempt to conceive. So, if you have a friend of whom you know is trying to conceive, one of the best (and easiest) things to do is ask how she is doing and ask for permission to check in with her every so often regarding her infertility. Then, listen to her share what she is willing to divulge. Some people may never want to talk about their infertility...However, I was so incredibly grateful to have friends that would call or question me out of the blue.

I'm sure the common belief may be, "Well, I don't want to bring up infertility with my friend or family member b/c I don't want to remind them of the pain they are going through." Let me just tell you, those of us who have suffered with infertility (or miscarriage, adoption loss, loss of a child) ARE in pain...every day, every hour, every minute. For most of us, the loss and grief never leave our minds. It hurt me more when my friends did not ask me about our difficulty conceiving...So, don't be afraid to check in with your friend or loved one...but, first make sure they are fine with you doing so.

I know I have shared about the book Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake...I absolutely LOVE this book as it has been such an encouragement to me over the past two years. In the book, she labels the friends and family members of those suffering with infertility as "burden bearers." I think that is such a fitting description! Those of us undergoing infertility, miscarriage, the loss of a child, and/or adoption loss really need burden bearers in our lives. We cannot go through this alone! So, please check in with us regularly...and then listen to what we are willing to share! ...more to come later on how to help comfort those suffering with infertility...(on a side note...I wanted to share a link to this blog post that I felt covered a great deal on what NOT to say to those suffering with infertility)



Empty Arms...

I have never known the loss of miscarriage or the death of a child...and some might say our loss is not really a "loss" at all. However, I know and firmly believe that grieving the loss of the child we never had is real and valid. Every month for two years, I grieved...I cried out to God...I begged Him to take away our pain...and to provide us with a child to love. But, the pain remained and we were left without a child. I could not understand why God would not want us to have this good thing...why He would not want our family to grow. Then, my thoughts turned inward and I began comparing myself to others who seemed to have no problem conceiving. As that continued, I began to feel like less of a woman. I started to believe a complete lie that there must be something wrong with me as a female and this was the reason I was unable to conceive a child (even after the doctors could not find a reason for our infertility). Once I dealt with my identity issues, I was attacked with another lie that I allowed myself to believe...that because of this "list" I had put together in my mind of "good things" I had done I, therefore, "deserved" a child. Wow...thankfully, God got a hold of me and I was reminded (in a loving and gracious way that only comes from God) that I do not deserve ANYTHING, but death and separation from Him...but, through Christ I have the opportunity to have eternal life and joy on this earth. God does not "owe" me anything!I wonder how many other women suffering with infertility have believed such lies.

I wonder how many women and couples dealing with infertility never open up about their struggles. I found that one of the ways God helped me get through our grief was by talking about it...with those that understood my pain and with family and friends that maybe did not understand, but were willing to listen. I am so grateful for those God put in my life at that time...I long to be used to offer the same encouragement and support to others ...God is a good...He gives us exactly what we need when we need it. Only He know best the plans for our lives.