I realize I just wrote this blog about how excited I am to run again a measly 48 hours ago. Well, that was 48 hours ago! Now that I'm actually doing it... ugh.
It's just too.dang.cold.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself the problem is. That, and I'm not completely healthy yet, which doesn't help at all. It WILL get better...
right?
The whole reason I want to do this is to feel good about myself, to feel like I accomplished something. I want to be GOOD at something. Actually, I want to be great at something. Have you ever seen that episode of "Little Bill" where he realizes everyone has a "thing" and he doesn't know what his "thing" is? His mother's thing is taking pictures. His dad's thing is jazz music. And it turns out Little Bill's thing is telling stories.
I need a thing. I don't really know why (can't afford therapy anymore), but I always wanted to have a thing- something to identify myself with, something for others to identify me with. Something I'm great at. I've been searching for it my whole life. I've always been okay at a lot of things; I was okay at basketball, I was okay at playing the piano, I was okay at soccer (and dance, and volleyball, and golf, and softball, and pageants, and...). I was like Danny Zuko trying to figure out how to be the best at something even if it was ridiculously out of my comfort zone.
I had wanted it to be teaching children with special needs, but I got impatient, so I quit and changed to nursing. Then I quit that just days before I even got started. I had hoped it would be photography, but I'm not great and have never had the time/money for classes to get better so I quit. So far, it seems like my thing is quitting. Not exactly what I want to be identified with OR want to teach my children, even if I am pretty good at it.
Running sucks (so far), but I want it to be my new thing. I want to do it and I want to do it well and feel good about myself. Can you just pick your thing? Can you just decide that you are going to do something and be good at it? Or does your thing have to find you? Does it matter if you start out doing it for someone else? Am I setting myself up for failure/quitting if I pick a thing to prove something to someone else? I'm also really bad at making decisions, could someone just pick my thing for me?
Maybe I have a thing I'm not aware of? We are, in fact, our biggest critics. Maybe there is something others identify me with or something I'm good at and don't know it. Maybe everyone identifies me with something different. Maybe I don't have to have just ONE thing...
I'm good at planning parties. I'm good at dancing. I'm good at making my kids laugh. I'm good at cooking. I'm good at listening. I'm good at talking! I'm good at praying. I'm good at reading. I'm good at making my husband feel loved. I'm good at being pregnant (I didn't choose to quit that!), but I was good at it. I'm good at eating. I'm good at singing in the car. I'm good at shopping. I'm good at putting on makeup. I'm good at changing my mind.
Now if only I could be satisfied with that! Free therapy, anyone?
3 comments:
Am-
I understand what your saying. It's almost like an identity crisis...Lots of. "Know what I wanna do" but somehow they never work out that way, BUT one thing I can tell YOU is THIS ( here comes that free therapy ;-) ) Is that you are a GREAT mother. I truly believe that God picks women to just be that ...mothers...and your not an everyday mom,girl. Look at all you have overcome and hurdles you have jumped in the last few years...heck your body probably doesn't want to run bc you are ALWAYS in a marathon,pretty lady. Don't be so hard on yourself ( yes,hypocritical statement from my mouth), but DON'T! I think that dance is also a GREAT not a good....so quit being modest ;-) But, never stop trying new things...I think that's what keeps us young and with these kiddos....ha! You are beautiful....even if you only run 2 miles and then clean a house...a you are GREAT doing it.
Oh my gosh! I totally feel your pain. I have always felt "average" and I have always wanted to be not so average. I even tried when I was younger to make myself become left handed!! I'm still looking for my "thing" too. I hope I find it before too long!
Amber, as Louisa may allot said, "with such extraordinary gifts, how can you expect to lead an ordinary life?"
So YOU.
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