Child of Mine.

Roman has had a series of problems in his left ear as long as we’ve known him. Last year, he had a corrective surgery and a few weeks ago went for a follow up. In addition to damage and scar tissue, the chelation therapy required for his thalassemia can cause hearing loss so it’s important to stay on top of it. At this appointment, we needed to confirm total post-op healing and, hopefully, finally pass a hearing test. Unfortunately, during the exam it was quickly discovered that he had developed multiple polyps inside his ear, some ruptured, and he had a massive infection.

“Roman! Did you know?? Were you hurting??”

“Well, I knew it was some kind of problem but I didn’t know what. Sometimes I cry in my bed or there’s blood on my pillow.”

I was stunned… kinda frustrated… and sad. How is it that he still doesn’t tell us when something is wrong? That he still isn’t trusting us completely? He still thinks he should tough it out alone.

In China, Roman was not allowed to get out of bed. Before his adoption, he was told not to bother us- especially at night - that we would be angry and he would be punished. He’s been our child for 4 ½ years and we are still trying to convince him that it’s okay to tell us something is wrong. It breaks my heart how many nights he has spent alone in his bed hurting or afraid and told us about it later. I have been constantly trying to remind him that if he tells us what the problem is, we may be able to help.

Recently, he came in the middle of the night(!) He gently tapped me on the shoulder and whispered, “Mama… it’s not a stranger…. It’s your son…. Roman.” I was SO glad he came to me and trusted that I could fix the problem.

I was in my prayer closet over a situation in my life today and had a revelation.

God is stunned… kinda frustrated… and sad. Because I've been His child for 37 years and He's still trying to convince me that it’s okay to tell Him something is wrong. I’ve been lying in bed with a problem, trying to tough it out alone. I didn’t want to bother Him. How is it that I’m still not trusting Him completely? It breaks His heart how many nights I've spent hurting or afraid. He's been constantly trying to remind me that if I tell Him about the problem, He may be able to help.

So today, I’m whispering…

“Father… it’s not a stranger… it’s your daughter… Amma. Something is wrong and I don’t even know what. I need you and trust you to fix the problem.”