Time & Place.

"It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart..."
Five points to anyone who can name that movie without cheating.....


Like others who are parenting kids with a multitude of special needs, we have developed our own working vocabulary for our family.  We don't really even notice that we do it anymore until someone points it out. It's just key words and phrases, usually in a positive frame (what we DO want them to do instead of what we DON'T want them to do-- one of the tidbits that stuck during my college years as a Special Ed major).

{This usually works, but don't think after repeating a particular phrase 18 times with no change in behavior that I don't occasionally lose my ever-loving mind and yell STOOOOPPPPP!! It happens.}


For kids with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, and Down syndrome, etc, clear, simple instructions that leave no room for interpretation are important... but really these are things that work for kids across the board.

I might encourage Brynn to challenge her body and believe in herself and go ahead and try that new leap, Sister! And then later have to ask her specifically NOT to do it all over Kroger, as if I should have made that more clear the first time.

"Time and place, Brynnie."

She couldn't listen to some long explanation of why and when that's appropriate, just "time and place." A little reminder.


Other frequently used catchphrases:

"Hold your hands."
"Kind words please."
and for Roman especially, "Focus on today."

Roman talks... a lot {grin}. Every day he gets curious-er and curious-er. A large majority of his questions/conversations are wonderings about what will happen in the future. Like, way down the line.
(He also still often speaks in third person....)

Mama, Roman go to college at Tennessee Vols or Vanderbilt CollegeAndHospital (said as one word)?

Mama, Roman will be in middle school and play football or play baseball?

Mama, Roman will be 40 and be an ast-uro-nut (astronaut) and walk on the moon and Mama will be watching Roman come back down and land in water and a helicopter will take me to Florida and Mama will come get me, take me home?

Questions I can't actually answer, generally. I try to humor him for a while, but after twenty or so (so about two minutes in), I'll say, "Okay, Buddy- just focus on today!" Just be seven. Don't worry so much about what's happening next. Just today.

Sort of ironic coming from me of all people. I have always been the BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? kind of gal. I need to know.  It's why the husband hates watching television and movies next to me.  I always make my predictions out loud and 99.9% of the time I'm correct. I am often referred to as "smarter than TV." at our house. Usually by me.

But I digress...
In addition to that little character trait, I am basically pre-programmed to have an annual identity crisis (you may have read about one or two before). Every now and then, the What happens next?! and the Who am I?! questions collide. It ain't pretty. And sweet Nathan... he never loses his cool and yells, "STTOOOPPPP!!", though I couldn't blame him if he did. He uses the catchphrases.

Just focus on today, Amma. 
Time and place.


Six months ago, in the warm months of summer, I ordered the naked peg dolls needed to paint a family for Anna Gray's Christmas gift. LOOK AT ME GO. Six months early. Obviously, they were hidden in a drawer until approximately Dec 22 when I finally got them out to actually paint. It was fun in a rushed way, picking and choosing what little thing to slap on... I mean... artfully craft in a whimsical manner for each member of our family. Something to identify them, to make them them. Nathan has on his uniform (sort of, no time for re-dos) and obviously Brynn would be associated with dance, but I got to mine and I froze.

What the heck do *I* do?? I asked Nathan, I asked my friends, but still had no idea what to paint on this incredibly important wide-bottom peg doll. What is my thing?! I don't have a thing! WHO AM I?!

Now it was Dec 23 and I was the only naked peg doll in the family. At Layla's suggestion, I ended up adding the cupcake and apron with sort of a vintage vibe. Meh. That's me, I guess. Except it's not me. I don't actually identify with a cupcake (LIES. I totally do. On so many levels. Just not in that way. Sorry, Cupcake, I love you.)

I didn't have time to dwell on it because the Christmas chaos magic began.  Honestly, I stayed a little cranky through it all. Just a tiny bit. Nathan was working, so I thought I was just overwhelmed with gathering all the children and all the gifts and all the appetizers for all the places. Plus literally and mentally adjusting my to-do list in order to pull out of the driveway bright and early on the 26th and drive (ride) 12+ hours to Disney. Those things could make me cranky I supposed, but that wasn't it. We did Christmas, we managed Disney, and still... something just wasn't settling.

That Nathan is one lucky dog, because at some point early on in the FOURTEEN hour drive/ride home, I started chatting about all this nonsense sitting just beneath the surface. I think it started with a conversation about school (mine) and continuing down a particular career path.

Me: Yes, I still really want to do that.

Him: You would be good at it.

And then I panicked.

But is that enough?? Is that what I'm supposed to do?! Does that matter?! I want to matter! Okay, it will matter to someone... But shouldn't I do something bigger? Something that matters to people to the world to the universe?! I need to make a difference in the universe! How do I do that??  I know what I want to do, I want to do lots of things, but what am I supposed to do? Should I finish my book?? I should finish my book. What about the children's books I wrote on post-it notes? Are those are important? I think they're important, I'll finish those too. But what should I do?  There is so much to do. So much that needs to be done. What is my thing? I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO PAINT ON MY PEG DOLL. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!

Read that three times faster than you just did- that's about how quickly it all came out of my mouth. Now read it six times faster than you just did- that's about how quickly Nathan heard it. Enter eyeballs the size of the moon (the one Roman is gonna walk on when he's 40).

{And by the way, there are other factors at play. For instance, school. I hate it. Also, I won't actually ever be a writer because TYPOS and GRAMMAR and RANDOM CAPITALIZATION.  Also, this isn't a ploy to get anyone to tell me what I'm good at nor a plea for affirmation... this is just me, panicking and exhausted after fourteen hours in the car.  Another 'also' worth mentioning- none of this identity crisis relates to the current color of my hair.}

Thankfully (for Nathan), we (eventually) made it home around midnight.  When the next day started, there were suitcases to unpack and Christmas gifts to find a place for and trees to take down and back to school and no time for the annual crisis.

Then last Friday at Roman's transfusion, we were talking about what he wants to be when he grows up. Actually, we were talking about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g because of the never stopping of the talking. {grin} So--
Spiderman. He wants to be Spiderman. (That was before he discovered space on Sunday and now we are at the ast-uro-nut.)

So he says to me, "Mama... Spiderman. I love it. And Layla's books, she love it. What do you love?

Well, I love YOU! And your brother and sisters and your daddy.

"But what does Mama LOVE it?"

It was unfortunate that at this very moment, I also happen to be reading Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker. And she's got me on fire and my mind is spinning about how I'm going to DO SOMETHING.  My fingers were already texting Nathan furiously, explaining to him that it was a dangerous decision to put that book on my tablet; and then here's my 7yr old son asking me such huge philosophical questions....

I came home chatting a million miles a minute again, as Husband ever-so-gently places a Naturally Gluten Free Michelob Light Hard Cider in my hand.  Time and place, Amma. Just focus on today.

I think this is totally normal for moms, right? Our children, our family, they become our identity. Everything else we do is just an effort to keep that running smoothly. Not everyone, of course, but it's not uncommon. Then everybody seems okay because you are doing a swell job of it all, and we start to wonder: What is my thing? (I just might do it a little more dramatically than others...)

Now don't think even for a second that I don't know that what I'm doing NOW is incredibly relevant to somebody. Somebodies. My somebodies. It is absolutely, undeniably a full-time job worth having. And it's hard work. It seems that the minute things start to settle and get easier (it's all relative), my mind goes to What's next?  My goal is never to make things harder on myself. In fact, I like the idea of a smooth, regular life. I can see how that would be enjoyable. My kids need routine. "Regular" makes sense. I know there is a time and place for it.

My logical self says now would be the perfect time and place for regular.  That sounds glorious for just a little bit.

So why isn't my spirit settled in that?
What in the world is this churning telling me I'm not finished?

I feel like I've lived a cycle of dreaming--seeing--doing. Even if it's not on a grand scale. I'm in the part now that seems to be preparation for whatever surprise is coming next.  While it's true that a few times those "surprises" have been little humans, I don't get the feeling that's where we are headed this time.  It is hard to see those sweet waiting faces, see that there is more to be done, and not do it.. But again, Logical Me feels like we have planted our garden and it's time to tend to it, help it grow.

So what's next?
I don't know.  Maybe I won't change the world, change the universe. According to my boys, they are superhero brothers, so I guess I'll leave that to them.  What I do know is that if the cycle holds true... I will do something. At just the right time and place.