Job

Both with a lowercase and an uppercase J.

This is going to be one of those therapeutic, vulnerable posts that I just need to work through at the risk of judgement and with the hope of understanding.

It started in two ways.
1- When Nathan and I had yet another job discussion based on the fact that we definitely are NOT making enough money to support our family at this point; and
2- When my mom's cousin left a comment on my Facebook saying how proud he was of me and that I must have the patience of Job.

job, the lowercase J:
Nathan had his own reasons for wanting to leave the police department and I had mine. Both of us believed with all our hearts that it was the right decision for our family. But now, because of that decision, we are hurting both financially and emotionally. Obviously, I have been looking for a job for months, but it seems impossible to find something, especially in this economy, that will cover three kids in daycare, plus help pay bills. Right now, the plan is to sell our house and sell my car. Let me just leave at that and ask for prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.

Job, the uppercase J:
I felt a tremendous amount of guilt over my cousins comment, which I know wasn't his intention. For the most part, I usually have this mom thing under control. My house stays relatively clean, considering. Our days are fun and run smoothly. My kids are happy and fairly well-behaved. I have pretty much felt like it's the one thing I've ever really been good at. Until lately.

I'm sure that it's the combination of the financial stress, the stress of the two-yr-old twin tornadoes, the consignment sale (i wish you knew how much this has taken over my life/house the last few weeks), etc., but I just haven't felt like a very good Mommy lately. The kids have been acting out and I'm sure they are just reacting to the tension.

I have been somewhat like Job in that I have questioned God. I try not to and try to remember just to keep our eyes, ears, and hearts open so that we can follow His plan but we are feeling pretty lost. And scared. I know that through suffering we are supposed to learn that God is enough for our lives and for our future, but I'm struggling with the world.

Five months ago, I had complete faith that God was in control, that He knew exactly what He was doing even though it didn't make sense to the world. And at that time, even though Nathan had no job lined up, the money kept coming in from the most random places and we were okay.

Now, I feel like everything is falling apart and I want to know why. Funny thing is, he has a consistent paycheck now. Why could we pay our bills and feed our children when we weren't making ANY money and we can't now that we are at least making some?! We had a lot faith then, but we had no money. We have some faith now and some money. Diminishing faith= diminishing money? So does that mean that my lack of faith is the cause of the suffering?

...I am trying to make sense of the world instead of trusting God's sense.

Ok. Got it.

My JOB is to remain faithful. That's the job I should have been searching for all along.

Thanks, Job with a capital J. And Thank you, God, for speaking to me thru Blogspot. =)

Sorry. A lot just happened in my brain and in my Bible really quickly while I was typing/reading at the same time and I found clarity. I'm going to go ahead and post anyway. We still need prayer and someone else might still need this.