Excuses, Excuses.

Well, my newfound motivation lasted about a day. I think it melted with what little snow came and went today. Ugggghh. Why am I struggling so much with this? I was PUMPED. COMMITTED. DRIVEN. And now?


1- I had no intentions of doing this alone. Running 26.2 miles alone does not appeal to me. Running 20 miles a week for 4 months slightly appealed to me, or at least being able to, but sounded so much better when I thought my brother would be next to me, pushing me, encouraging me, listening my distrating talk about nothing. And it just didn't work out. I get that. But it sucks. I have no one to hold me accountable. No one to keep me on track. And it's just not fun.

2- It's friggin cold. I already tried using that excuse to train on the treadmill for about a week. But the next week was back to the pavement and I realized really quickly why they said don't train on a treadmill. 8 miles on a treadmill... very doable. I was quite proud at how easy it was for me. 8 miles on the pavement in the cold... I cried. Literally, little frozen tears on my cheeks. And then I quit. (I made it up later bc I felt like a failure, but still...)

3- My body has not really gotten on board with this whole thing, which really surprised me to be honest. I have always sort of been a runner, but have never "trained" before. My knees are KILLING me. My lungs hurt bc of reason#2. Two of my toenails turned purple when I added an extra pair of socks bc IT'S FRIGGIN COLD. Migraines are back. Not sure if that's coincidental but I had a good month's run there for a while and now my head is back to it's old crappy self. And...on another disappointing note. I am not getting skinny. That was supposed to just be an extra bonus, but I got my hopes up. I know it's only been 6 weeks so far, and I am definitely getting stronger, tighter, but not smaller. Boo. I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm still eating like crap. But eating healthy is expensive (another excuse, I know), but we don't have a lot of flexibility in this area right now.

4- It is an absolute time suck. I don't know why, but I never thought about how long it would take me to actually run several miles a day or that I would have to wait for Nathan to get home from work in order to do that, which means that basically all our time as a family is spent with me running alone most nights. That does not make me happy given all the sacrifices we made just to have those night together. And running alone leads into reason #5...

5- It's a little bit scary. Most evenings, I head out right before sunset and return after dark. I run around our neighborhood bc I don't want to use up even more time driving somewhere else. But it's kind of scary running by yourself at night, not only bc it's slightly dangerous on a pretty busy street but just bc there are icky, mean people out there. And for reasons my counselor will have to figure out- I feel judged. That might also have to do with who lives in my neighborhood, but I can't let my body relax and just move bc I'm tense about who will see me and embarrassed when it gets tough and people are driving by.

It's getting harder and harder to make myself do this. I try and try to talk myself into it, but I'm not very convincing. There are too many really good excuses to get me out of it each day. I skipped today and I feel like crap for it. Now I'm going to double tomorrow, which will probably make me cry again. Sigh.

Here's the only things that are keeping me going...
1- I already paid my registration fee. I did that intentionally bc I knew since we didn't really have the money for it, I would feel terrible if I wasted it.

2- I am bribing myself with a reward. Not going to say what it is here, but some of you know. If I keep this up and finish the marathon, I get a prize.

3- I really really really need to know I can do this. Some of it is just plain stubborn-ness, but some of it really is a desire to set my mind to something and accomplish it.

4- Even though it feels really selfish taking so much time for myself, I have NEVER done that before. I think it might be good for me to do it now, while I can before Nath leaves.

5- Still not giving up hope that there are positive changes to my body before swimsuit season and Cala's wedding.



They sound like pretty good reasons when they are written down, but they do not make me want to go out and run 7 miles tomorrow. And they are so much shorter than my complaints! Lol.
I need something. Something to push me over the edge. Something that makes me really go after it and never look back.
But whaaaat?!?!