HOME SWEET HOME TO ME.

**boring post but wanted to document that we have our homeschool schtuff together at the moment


We are helping another homeschool family learn about the state of Tennessee by learning about the state of Tennessee.

We spent a few days researching the facts and the fun stuff: state flag, state flower, state animal/tree/insect/etc. Then we researched all the different things made or originated in Tennessee, and then some fun things unique to our state.

Since we are at Vandy all the time anyway (heyyy one of the greatest hospitals in the country), it was easy to build in some extra time downtown.

We spent HOURS at the (free!) Tennessee State Museum and we still had to cut it short. I didn't expect them to love it so much, honestly. And it's way bigger than I remembered...

We spent another day scowering thrift shops all over for Tennessee-related items (and completing our Halloween costumes because we are multi-taskers). We spent a third day on lower Broadway hitting all the best souvenir shops to gather items that represented what we learned.

Brynn wrote a paper/letter about our adventures and findings and Roman drew them some pictures.

We packed it all up in a Moon Pie box and sent it to California!
We included: Moon Pies, GooGoo clusters, Bush's baked beans, post cards of the state flag, state facts, Elvis, and the Nashville skyline. A "boot" keychain, guitar pics, and matchbox from Ernest Tubb Records (because they threw it in for free so whatevs). Brochures for the Ryman/Grand Ole Opry, Johnny Cash museum, and a black bear. We also printed all the pictures of our "study" adventures as well as personal photos of us at some TN favs: Frist Center for the Visual Arts, Beale St and the Peabody ducks, Dollywood, horseback riding in the Smokies, and Tennessee Football!

It turned out so great and was really really fun, actually. We heart homeschooling slash delight-led learning slash Rocky Top!

the ripple effect.

I have three unfinished posts waiting for me because that's my MO. Sorry for sparse updates... life, ya know

Can we keep riding the Honest Train? Because I just don't know any other way to be.

THE RIPPLE EFFECT:

There are too many metaphors that come to mind about living this kind of life. The short version is, obviously, that it has a huge impact on all of us in all sorts of ways.

For the parents, heartbreak over watching your child struggle and knowing that they truly don't have control of their minds and bodies. Watching his siblings love and protect him fiercely, even when his actions don't seem loving. Feeling both sad and grateful for the unassigned jobs they take on because it is all hands on deck. Desperately trying everything we can to help and also maddened because nothing is helping. Not for any real length of time anyway. Shifts are mostly unpredictable... no matter how much you try prepare your child, try to anticipate/avoid a trigger,

There are seasons that your family can do "typical" life, that you can attempt parties, football games, holidays... but it's a risk.  And there are seasons where you are essentially held hostage in your own home, missing dear a friend's wedding or a family birthday dinner because your child is falling apart and you have to contain it, keep them safe, and prove yourself to be enough for this moment. Consequently, external relationships change. Some pour into you and some walk away.

Why do we look happy and smiling on social media when this is our reality? Um, because we are. Try as he may, the enemy will not steal our joy. We soak in the good days, we dance out the bad. We  embrace every moment of regulation and link arms like the fiercest game of Red Rover ever because we ain't going down without a fight. Some days you handle like a BOSS and sometimes you cannot take one more destructive symptom and lose your mind just a little. Being human and all. But He wipes the slate clean, we awake with new mercies and try again.

All this "we" business includes our other children, of course. Honestly, I don't know if they going to grow up and say: "We survived so much and we are all stronger for it." or if they are going to say: "They kept us in that hell for way too long."

For sure there have been days that have infuriated them, days that have broken their hearts. And there have been days that their love for him overflowed into others, where they have spoken up for voiceless child at school or shown grace when a peer was unkind without reason because they understand how a person can be misunderstood. And there are days that our children flat out held US up instead of the other way around.

While Cale was at Vanderbilt, I stayed with him until a room became available across the street. Like many of you have, I worried so much about Brynn and how she was handling this, She has the same trauma roots (her symptoms just look different than his), the same organic brain injuries and resulting processing disorders, etc  but a tender heart like no other.  I knew she was torn between wanting to protect him and wanting a break from it all and not really understanding any of it. After a few days, Nathan came to switch out and I prayed the whole drive home that I could be specifically what Brynn needed in that moment, knowing I was exhausted, drained mentally/emotionally, and not able to comprehend how this must hurt as his TWIN.

Instead, I walked into the door to her wide open arms begging me to collapse. She made us bracelets that link together to let me know she was taking care of things while I was gone (as usual) and a stackful of letters that did more for me than I could ever possibly explain.

{{Shared with permission}}
She wrote:


Dear Mom,
#motherhen #mamabear #mountainmover #crazychickenlady
I miss you and love you so much. I want you to come home and I've been trying to help Dad just like you. 

Mom, I love you more every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year. I've been praying over Cale with God to make sure that everything is right at the hospital and everything is working for good. 

Dear GOD, thank you for all the things you have done for us. I do want to know why. You can get a new start of life and you can get free about the past. Lord has mercy on us and makes us strong every morning. 'Doing what is right will bring peace and rest. When my people do that, they will stay calm and trust in the Lord forever.'

Mom, God was right and you don't have to worry anymore. You are the sun in my day. I love you more than you can 'amagen'. You do more than I ever can. Thank you for being brave.


CUE. SOBS.
sobs.

She's TEN. What a gift she is.
They are all gifts. Truly. One day the world will see. 


In the midst of all this, where we were trying to make these big hard decisions, and Cale wasn't here and we weren't sure what that meant or what it meant next, we were walking in devastation. I wrote a chapter in the book about falling apart in the grocery store.  It turns out, you and your kids still need food even when you are broken and it's never felt like a harder chore.  You know how when you lose someone and the world keeps turning with or without you? Everyone around me was acting so normal when things clearly weren't (for me/us).  I felt resentful for a minute like everything should just STOP and lemme catch my breath. But just for a minute... because we didn't lose him. He's just not here right now. So instead we PRAISE, hands lifted high, because our child is "just' not here right now... but will be again.

When we came home without him, we were all pretty wrecked for a while. It was so hard and confusing for all of us, but the other two trauma kids were triggered especially. Totally expected on some level, but there is more work to be done at home than Nathan and I initially realized. And life does keep going. We can't just lock ourselves in and skip dance recitals and hide from VBS or ignore other responsibilities. We have to show up. Just show up though, that was the goal. Then we found ourselves showing up and doing kinda okay. And then showing up and smiling.

We all felt much so much better once we got to see him and even more every time we see him again. The kids love photos of him and FaceTime and seeing that he really is okay. And not only okay, but working hard to get better and even having fun doing it.

 Slowly but surely, we've seen them exhale. They've started to recognize an ease in every day things that wasn't there before. There's an element of guilt that comes along with that, but we can't let that spirit hold us down. It was never supposed to be that hard and they deserve to enjoy the little things in life.  They constantly write him notes and draw him pictures, obviously keeping him close to their hearts. We deliver their mail every week and he loves every bit of it.

 Layla is my Right Hand Man always, but we are thrilled that she has kept busy and found things she loves that allow her to be a 13yr old. She and Cale both LOVE that they share a number and I love her heart. She got braces and contacts and purple hair and returned to school with "a brand new face" she says, ha.

That's my purple hair and freckles- swoon.
She generously left off the 10lbs I've gained due as a result of my undying devotion to caramel M&Ms of late. Ya'll pray for my gluttonous heart.

 Thank God Brynn has dance. It is so good for her soul. We worried about her heading to camp and starting back in the middle of all this as less than her best.

But dance is her therapy.
She's not 100% but movement is freeing her soul without a doubt and I know it will only continue once classes resume.

Roman threw us for a little bit of a loop but he's coming back around. He's the most resilient child on the planet. I think once he gets to see Cale in person, it will be a game-changer. Their relationship is a complicated one and I don't know that either expected to miss each other as much as they have. Hoping to fix that soon!!

The little girls are doing great. Anna Gray loves to talk to Cale on FT, although she basically just asks him for pizza and ice cream since none of the rest of us are getting the job done, apparently. They both are little spirit lifters for sure!

Overall, things are settling and they are finding peace. They are being kids being kids. Glory. We are still a little all over the place, but we are most definitely trending upward.

Cale is doing really well it seems. He definitely misses us, but he really does like the structure and predictability of his days. Rules are steadfast without bending, so there's no confusion. As much as he pretends to hate that, he craves it. Still, healing takes time and these are the very early stages. He loves the deliveries we bring him from you all and our family very much feels loved and supported.

THANK YOU. 

love me tender.

First of all, we want to say thank you for the outpouring of support. Truly. Thank you. So many kind and empowering words and honest prayers and it really does make a world of difference. We haven't always "announced" the hills & valleys, but a six month absence is (super) significant and while our inner circle has been with us every step of the way, others were already noticing him missing in pictures/life/etc. (Again.)

That being said, I wanted to pause a minute for clarifications.
For those that don't realize, this was not an isolated incident or a knee-jerk reaction.  This was years of history... nine different med/dosage/combination attempts, seven school changes from kindergarten to 4th grade, behavior therapists, talk therapists, play therapists, equine therapists, attachment therapists, EMDR, naturopath, ion assesment, countless doctors and EEGs, MRIs, sleep educations, child development specialists, adoption training programs, one bajillion IEP adjustments, and hours upon hours of meetings with "the team". The current team includes two neurologists, two pediatricians, a geneticist, three psychiatrists, multiple therapists, two social workers, teachers/principals, a patient care coordinator, trusted spiritual advisors, us, AND CALE. Always Cale.

This was a step we have fought like hell to avoid for eight solid years, but after exhausting all other options and a continued increase in the intensity and duration of behaviors, safety HAD to come first. Before Cale's feelings, before our feelings, before any desires or hopes or experiments. Everyone had to be SAFE. Had to.

Again, we have not been silent about these struggles. We speak mainly in-person with those we trust, who care for us and who listen to understand. We were mostly publicly protective, in part because... well, none ya, but mostly to protect Cale- we would never want to taint anyone else's impression of him (he's precious) or their relationship with him (impossible for those who love him actually). And also to protect our sanity. You can't imagine how draining this is to live, but to have to defend yourself as a parent, to be judged or blamed for your child's behaviors, to exhaust yourself trying to convince someone that our reality IS our reality added unnecessary stress for so long.

However, it is such a huge chunk of our life that it did occasionally bleed over here, as you know.

**If you are a new reader and want to catch up, here are some highlights ... **
Cale. (2009)
Safety first. (2010)
Cale's first day. (2010)
Next steps. (2011)
Cale B. (2011)
The good, the bad, and the ugly. (2012)
The hard words explanded. (2013)
FASD awareness. (2013)
Adoption Part 1  (2013)
Back that thing up. (2014)
Prisoner of hope. (2014)
Loose lips sink ships... (after Cale's first inpatient psych stay) (2014)
April 2nd  (2016)

And a whole bunch I wasn't brave enough to publish.

Cale has a slew of letters behind his name now.
Autism (there is some debate about that- but it is still on paper.). ODD. FASD. DMDD (pediatric Bipolar), multiple learning disabilities, and RAD/PTSD.

He does pretty damn well considering all that is stacked against him, huh?! He really really does.

There are layers upon layers of Cale and each is working against the next. We call him a 'grey area kid'. There is so much going on in his "little" body and it all sort of runs together. It's hard to know what's what. Some of it is brain stuff- biology, physiology, genetics, etc. And some of it is heart stuff due to the trauma of adoption. And the heart stuff leaks to his brain and it's all very confusing.

He/we can't get to brain stuff to work on it because his little heart is too broken and he can't get to the heart stuff because brain doesn't allow him to process/connect what he knows. It's not fair.

His brain is a liar.

It tells him he isn't safe. It tells him to protect himself at all costs.
It tells him if he's "bad" enough, we'll leave too. So he goes ahead and tries to push us away. Hurt us before we can hurt him. Because he loves us so much...
I know it sounds backwards.

But HIS BRAIN IS A LIAR.

"Love Me Tender" is the name of another blog I have. It's where I first wrote honestly about how all of this shows up in our life. I didn't always spell it out but I alluded to a life with bruises and broken windows and desperation.

He was two at that time.

That's the first time I remember. I was terrified by what had just happened and so was he. I could see the fear in his eyes. He didn't understand what made him do what he'd just done. He still doesn't.

And he's so much bigger and stronger now...


For ten years, we have wished and prayed that we could get all Cale's people in one room.
All the experts we saw only focused on their own expertise, no real understanding of anyone else's. But he's a whole person and he needed whole person help. All of those people are in one room now and we are so grateful.

If Cale had a visible disease, a life-threatening medical condition... we would not dare to keep him at home all for ourselves and try to fix it. We would seek whatever help we had to. We would want the best we could find- the specialists and experts- and get the care he needed. Even if it meant he wasn't sleeping under our roof for a little while.  Same goes for mental health.

I said this already, but if love were enough, he would be healed. We love this child more than he will ever be able to comprehend.  Our family motto is and has always been "NO MATTER WHAT".
We aren't going anywhere. No. Matter. What.

We will continue to show up. We will continue to speak up. We will take every opportunity to hear his voice and hug his neck. We will let the judgements and gossip roll off our back like water. We will live life with strength and dignity and we will heal. No matter what.

If anyone wants to have genuine conversation about parenting kids from hard places, special needs parenting, trauma and PTSD, mental health, peace which surpasses understanding  ... we are happy to and always have been. Bring coffee and caramel M&Ms and let's talk and cry and laugh and pray and advocate and hug and try and roar.

Those were taken the night before he left. He knew he was leaving and he understood why. He wants to feel better, get better, and do better. He just doesn't know how and we've used every tool in our toolbox already.

That doesn't mean he hasn't struggled emotionally since arriving, he has had the sames ups and downs we all have. But overall, he's doing well. He enjoyed the ropes course in rec therapy this week and made a tie-dye tee shirt. He loves eating from a cafeteria where food is all hot and ready and he doesn't have to wait on it, ha. And tonight is a 'call night' which does our hearts GOOD!!


Pulling away without him was the hardest thing we've ever done. This was most definitely not a decision that the TEAM came to lightly and we grieved HARD. I sobbed...wailed... the entire way home and the only reason Nathan didn't is because he was driving and trying to keep us alive. Then we collectively ceased to function for a solid 72 hours (longer for some), desperately questioning, analyzing, every.single.piece. and taking turns physically holding each other up.  But once we heard from him the first time and heard that he is REALLY okay, we exhaled. And we knew we were gonna be too.