FOODIES.

As much as we spent on the adoption, it feels like we've spent at least that in food since we got home.

I have kind of been working on this post for over two YEARS, because I started off writing it about Brynn and Cale. Then Brynn, Cale, and Anna Gray. Now Brynn, Cale, Anna Gray, and Roman.  (THE END.)

Just eating a little spinach salad at 8PM on a Saturday night.

For those that don't know, in adoption, food and attachment go hand in hand. It's survival. It makes no difference at what age my children were adopted, each of them has a little voice buried so way deep down that says, "I have to do whatever it takes to survive." and that this comfy, cozy family might not really be forever. I can't speak for all children who were adopted, but I know it's true for mine and it's not uncommon at all. So in our house, that looks like eating ALL the food. All of it. ASAP. Just in case you never get to eat again.

Really, guys. My beautiful, playful, "adjusted" children are still scared that they might not ever get to eat again. They have spent years stealing, hiding, hoarding food- just in case. And every.single.time. we try to put any restrictions on food at all, they panic. The cycle starts over and they eat everything. Just in case.

When the twins were around age 2, we started finding yogurt cups and granola wrappers hidden under pillows, in drawers, everywhere. Sweet side: Cale would eat six yogurt cups in the middle of the night and hide the trash, but ALWAYS put the spoon in the sink and his whole room smelled like strawberry-banana.

Because we didn't know any better, we put a lock on the fridge. He broke it off. We put the snacks in a higher cabinet. Then we found him ON TOP of the refrigerator in the middle of the night, trying to saw food open with a knife from the same cabinet. Then we found him in my car another night, looking for something, anything to eat. At TWO. There were locks and gates and alarms. I promise you, he was not starving. He was desperate to feel like had control of his own world.  But we didn't know. We didn't get it.

We learned the hard way (from our therapist) that we needed to make some foods available to them at all times. So we did. And they ate $100 worth of groceries in a matter of hours. So I spent another $100, and they ate that too.

We can't afford that and it really just isn't healthy.

I've tried to compromise. I made food visible and available... and in organized little baskets.

Fruits and veggies with peanut butter, ranch, and hummus ready for dipping.

Grains: pretzels, granola bars, graham crackers, goldfish

Protein: greek yogurt, string cheese, hardboiled eggs, cashews, turkey, pepperoni

Aren't they pretty?!
And see those numbers? That was me saying, "You can choose ANYTHING YOU WANT from ANY of these baskets ANY time you are hungry... except... only one. Or two."

AKA: Me in control of their food, not them. And them feeling restricted, and panicking, and then stealing, hiding, hoarding. Just in case.

At one point during the initial pretty basket era (age 6 by this point), Brynn told her therapist that they are "never allowed" to eat.

So, we took off all the numbers and they went back to eating an entire box of granola bars in one sitting. And who wants to eat dinner when you're belly is full of granola bars?! And you know... parents get burned up when their kids won't eat dinner. So we quit buying granola bars. That way, if they are too full to eat dinner, at least they are full on carrots and apples.

If we don't want them to eat it, it can't be in this house. Period.

We can't order cookie dough from the school fundraiser (Those little frozen uncooked cookies fit perfectly between dressers and walls. And inside folded socks. Ask me how I know...).   Last year, I bought a box of girl scout cookies. I put them on my bedside table NEXT TO MY FACE. I woke up to an empty box.

When I was making cupcakes earlier this year to fund the adoption? LAWD A'MERCY.
Cupcakes all over our kitchen at all times.
It was risky, I'll admit.
Thankfully, only twice did I wake up to all of the cupcakes gone.

The other part of this for our's is that food can't be used as a reward OR taken away as a consequence, unless it's their choice. Ohhhh but that one is sooo hard to learn. Especially in the South and especially for teachers and grandparents. {Love ya'll.} Also, for US.

We actually had this scenario this weekend....
They had done something we were proud of.  We wanted to celebrate that and let them choose a reward. They chose ice cream. Before actually getting to the ice cream, one made a bad choice. Pretty bad. Our knee-jerk reaction is to say... You no longer get ice cream.

For my kids, that immediately says I only get food if I am good.  For my kids, that says If I make a bad choice, I'm not allowed to eat. At all.  In this state of mind, they can't distinguish between food and treat. Because this is about survival, taking away edible treats (food), ignites the panic and the cycle starts over.

They had already done the thing that earned the ice cream. That doesn't change just because they later made a bad choice. As parents, we don't want them to think they can still be rewarded for acting like a wild animal so WE have to separate the two ourselves. We have to make a point to say,  I'm proud that you did XYZ. I'm so glad that you are my son/daughter and I can spend time with you while we celebrate with ice cream... instead.  It's WAY (way) more important that they hear that.

When they are feeling safe and loved and forever-ness, they eat less. Because they can trust that these safe and loving and forever parents will have food for them to eat when they are hungry. We can't focus on the food issue, we focus on the feeling safe and loved issue- then the food cycle resolves itself.

While it's tricky and super hard to explain to others. I'm so glad that now we know. And that we knew all this before adding Roman to the mix.

After all, he's seven and he's very aware that he just had to leave his whole world behind. Do you know how scary that is?! What if this new "family" doesn't let him eat when he's hungry? What if he only gets to eat once a day? What if he does something naughty, and his new parents say You can't have THIS to eat.  It doesn't matter what the "this" is because all he heard is "I can't eat." HE HAS TO SURVIVE. So, he eats. A lot. Just in case.  And the others, well, they just watched his whole world go away and what if that happens to them too? So they eat. A lot. This is where we are right now.

We have three baskets. They are full of healthy, appropriate (and some Chinese) snacks. They can eat ANYTHING from ANY of the baskets ANY time. Right now, that's about a billion dollars worth of food a day (also because it costs more to put good stuff in your body) but it's worth it. Soon they will all start to feel very safe and loved and forever again, and the cycle will slow.

On a different and less healthy edible note, Brynnie made brownies completely by herself. She read the directions, measuring carefully, counting her 50 strokes, and followed through all the way to end (and looked beautiful doing it). I did absolutely nothing. SO PROUD OF THIS LITTLE LADY.

Of course, they were gone from the top of the fridge the next morning and my kitchen was covered in brownie crumbs. But for one night, we had brownies! Sometimes it's worth the risk...

Stella.

She's starting to get her groove back.

Things are so completely different from last week, it really seems strange that only seven days have passed in between.

Thankful this week for lots of firsts for the excited boy, church in a parking lot, theanine serene, dance parties, family fishing days, other advocates, and on and on. It was easier this week to remember that all those struggles exist because of the GOOD STUFF that brought them.

Microwave popcorn!

Here are the bits and pieces:

Roman had his first transfusion (here) on Friday.
He was a little anxious but went through the motions without complaint- at first.
Since this was our initial visit, there was more to do upfront and it was harder to find at blood match than they expected. Four hours in, we hadn't even started the transfusion.

When we finally did get back to the chemo bay, he lost it. Best I could tell, he thought I was leaving him there.

In China, he was dropped of at the hospital for his transfusion and picked up six days later. As far as we know, he was alone- other than nurses/doctors. No matter how many times I tried to tell him I was staying and we were going home the same day, he was too far gone to hear it. Of course, it's easier to push me away than feel abandoned, so it was a rough hour.

We ended up getting a private room and some wonderful people waiting on him hand and foot. Once we started, he did great! And was VERY happy to go home when all was said and done.

He definitely got some life back, but wasn't out of control like he had been in China. Just his silly little self!

 We have had a few other appointments to get baselines before starting chelation therapy (Exjade) and only had one surprise so far... he failed his hearing test. His right ear drum is retracted and his left has a huge hole in it. Working on a plan there. We still have eyes and a liver MRI to do, EKG will be done during his next transfusion in two weeks.

Even though there are lots of appointments and lots of paperwork and meetings and constant phone calls, it feels like we are almost through recovery and slipping slowly into maintenance.

Our first post placement visit with our social worker went well, though he wanted nothing to do with her. However, Cale talked her head off and Anna Gray climbed up in her lap completely. Obviously, we are still working on sharing our attention equally! We realized in talking with her that he already has over 100 words/phrases in English. And several full sentences. May I have a bite please? Roman play outside? Roman, you want puzzle? (That would be- Can I have a puzzle?) AG has an Elmo that says "Elmo is so sleepy!" and then sings a lullaby. She uses it to go to sleep. So now he says, Roman so sleepy... and starts humming when he's ready to rest.

He also constantly tells me how old each of us will be when he's this old and there's some serious math involved! Such a bright little guy.

At the suggestion of his ELL teacher, I made index cards to label almost everything in our house. Bonus reading practice: Brynn and Cale read each card and taped them where they go! They seem to be helping all the seven year olds.

Some things get lost in translation and give us a real giggle.
Example: He begged to go fishing and squealed delightedly when we told him we were going. Until he found out we were going out to lunch first. He was so mad. He kept saying first you fish, then you eat.the.fish. Why in the world would we go eat before fishing?? Funny.

Shout out to our Brynnie, who made the first catch with this cat, completely unassisted.

"Some girls chase boys... I pass them."

 

And to Anna Gray who did such a good job of just being filthy and adorable.

I've been videoing a lot because pictures and words just don't always do justice to this crazy/beautiful life.  I have loaded up our YouTube channel. If you're ever bored, (like...really, really bored. So much time on your hands that it makes you sad and you happen to briefly wonder: I wonder if the Wests have anything on their YouTube channel that would make me smile? Or if you are a grandparent to said Wests.) Here's a small glimpse...
{PS most of them involve dancing.  I'm serious when I say someone is always dancing in this house. PPS Roman went to hip hop class with Cale!} You'll notice there are generally two superstars. Our others aren't quite as determined to be in the limelight.

1. RJZ: Learning his full name. (Now mastered.)
2. How to know if you have a Southern accent: teach your Chinese son to count.
3. Cale needs a summer job. 
4. This is what we call B-Tap. Her own little version of music. It makes her so happy!
5. Speaking of... Roman shakes it off while we clean out the boys' room.
6. Beyonce ain't got nothing on our own Queen B. Don't mind the mess, this was the day after we got home from China.

I just shared six videos. Lame. Don't care. Love those little bitties. Every wiggly ounce of them.


OTHER UPDATES:
Layla is an awesome human, even if she is all pre-teeny and uses words like "parasitism" conversationally. No idea what to do with that.

We have implemented some changes that seem to be working for Cale. We still have some tweaking to do, but grateful for glimpses of positivity. Change is hard, but his happy face is starting to peak out again as we get his world back to a safe place.  Good vibrations always appreciated for this area of our life. Better make 'em big ones too.

Anna Gray is her same sunshine-y self, except like... grown. She talks constantly and is always explaining things to Roman, bringing him random items to tell him what they are called. Banana, car, brush... of course, now he thinks all blankets are called "Kiki" bc that's what she calls her can't-go-anywhere-without-it-blanket.

Hey, little fighter. Things are getting brighter.

I feel like Katy Perry would be so proud of me.

This is two (three?) days in the making, but you know... life and all.

Roman started school!
Sorta. Barely.

So cute and no idea what he's doing. I had asked if we could do half days but they weren't quite sold on the idea.

I left him at school at 8:30a on Tuesday and they called an hour later to schedule pick up at 11a. Day one was.. a lot. Our bright, curious boy just needed to check out ALL the things. Obviously, the teacher can't spend all of her time redirecting him and he sure as heck can't understand a word she's saying.  He doesn't know the rules, he doesn't even know that there are rules.

But he came out smiling and asked if he could go back again!


Afterwards, I took the two half day-ers to the park to play. These babies sure love to swing!

\

This was in Brynn's folder:

And I found out this morning that Cale had gone in his class to check on him. Little love monsters.

We are definitely seeing a lot of attention seeking behaviors from all five, and negative attention is better than no attention, but we are definitely definitely seeing a whole lot of love and acceptance too. Things will settle some day!

The plan for Day 2 was 10:00a pickup. Dropped him off and then took Anna Gray. That meant I had one hour. I was going to use it to get in a run and get a quick shower- but Vanderbilt called, then the Board of Education called... so I spent the last 20 mins eating peanut butter and watching Taylor Swift videos. I was going to run to the school to pick him up, but they kept trying to call and I was having trouble answering, so I just ran back home and drove up there. They wanted him to stay another hour! They also requested a meeting for the afternoon.

He was happy again when I picked him up (but starving because you can't eat 72 times at school). We needed to re-stock snacks too so we stopped at Subway, where he chose a bacon and spinach sandwich with bbq sauce.

 I think they've bonded!

I had back to back meetings this  yesterday afternoon at the school. First an IEP meeting for Cale and then a meeting with Roman's teacher and principal.

 From now on, on the gabillions of paperwork I do regularly, when it asks my occupation... I'm going to write ADVOCATE. They don't need to know that I don't get paid for it and it's usually on behalf of my own children. THAT IS MY JOB.  

It wasn't bad. I only cried twice (because I'm proud of my kids and know they are worth every bit of effort required). Again, things just look differently from our view. We know how much our kids have already conquered. And while we will absolutely continue to work- sometimes we have bigger fish to fry. They're seven. They have time. I think by the end of both meetings, they started to get that. I'm really happy with the plans in place for both boys and I feel like- for the first time- we are all on the same page. SIDE NOTE: Guess who's getting an ESL teacher! And only staying half days for a while. ahem.

We are not afraid of hard.

I knew when I admitted we were struggling the other day, I would get mixed feedback. It never fails that the "You asked for this." comments come trickling in... anonymously from behind a computer screen, where it's safe.

We didn't choose hard. We chose LIFE. Not necessarily saving it... LIVING it. Their's. Our's.
Yes, it is hard right now. I mean, like... everything.

I cried over a banana last night. Because it was a busy/tough day, big decisions had to be made, (several) fits were thrown, we didn't have something we needed for dinner, then by the time we got it- our grill broke, and I just needed something to be easy. Dang you, banana.

Oh, but the one who had done the hurting earlier came and wrapped their sweet little arms around me and said Let me help. And one moved to the other side of the table, scooted their seat right up to mine, and held my hand through dinner. And one cried and cried until Mama sang. By the third round of the same song, that one was singing along and after the fourth round, sighed Thank you. Two made a Mama sandwich at bedtime. And then the tall handsome that I do life with, who was verbally echoing my feelings, he collapsed right next me and said WE GOT THIS.


Roar.