Can we keep riding the Honest Train? Because I just don't know any other way to be.
THE RIPPLE EFFECT:
There are too many metaphors that come to mind about living this kind of life. The short version is, obviously, that it has a huge impact on all of us in all sorts of ways.
For the parents, heartbreak over watching your child struggle and knowing that they truly don't have control of their minds and bodies. Watching his siblings love and protect him fiercely, even when his actions don't seem loving. Feeling both sad and grateful for the unassigned jobs they take on because it is all hands on deck. Desperately trying everything we can to help and also maddened because nothing is helping. Not for any real length of time anyway. Shifts are mostly unpredictable... no matter how much you try prepare your child, try to anticipate/avoid a trigger,
There are seasons that your family can do "typical" life, that you can attempt parties, football games, holidays... but it's a risk. And there are seasons where you are essentially held hostage in your own home, missing dear a friend's wedding or a family birthday dinner because your child is falling apart and you have to contain it, keep them safe, and prove yourself to be enough for this moment. Consequently, external relationships change. Some pour into you and some walk away.
Why do we look happy and smiling on social media when this is our reality? Um, because we are. Try as he may, the enemy will not steal our joy. We soak in the good days, we dance out the bad. We embrace every moment of regulation and link arms like the fiercest game of Red Rover ever because we ain't going down without a fight. Some days you handle like a BOSS and sometimes you cannot take one more destructive symptom and lose your mind just a little. Being human and all. But He wipes the slate clean, we awake with new mercies and try again.
All this "we" business includes our other children, of course. Honestly, I don't know if they going to grow up and say: "We survived so much and we are all stronger for it." or if they are going to say: "They kept us in that hell for way too long."
For sure there have been days that have infuriated them, days that have broken their hearts. And there have been days that their love for him overflowed into others, where they have spoken up for voiceless child at school or shown grace when a peer was unkind without reason because they understand how a person can be misunderstood. And there are days that our children flat out held US up instead of the other way around.
While Cale was at Vanderbilt, I stayed with him until a room became available across the street. Like many of you have, I worried so much about Brynn and how she was handling this, She has the same trauma roots (her symptoms just look different than his), the same organic brain injuries and resulting processing disorders, etc but a tender heart like no other. I knew she was torn between wanting to protect him and wanting a break from it all and not really understanding any of it. After a few days, Nathan came to switch out and I prayed the whole drive home that I could be specifically what Brynn needed in that moment, knowing I was exhausted, drained mentally/emotionally, and not able to comprehend how this must hurt as his TWIN.
Instead, I walked into the door to her wide open arms begging me to collapse. She made us bracelets that link together to let me know she was taking care of things while I was gone (as usual) and a stackful of letters that did more for me than I could ever possibly explain.
{{Shared with permission}}
She wrote:
Dear Mom,
#motherhen #mamabear #mountainmover #crazychickenlady
I miss you and love you so much. I want you to come home and I've been trying to help Dad just like you.
Mom, I love you more every second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year. I've been praying over Cale with God to make sure that everything is right at the hospital and everything is working for good.
Dear GOD, thank you for all the things you have done for us. I do want to know why. You can get a new start of life and you can get free about the past. Lord has mercy on us and makes us strong every morning. 'Doing what is right will bring peace and rest. When my people do that, they will stay calm and trust in the Lord forever.'
Mom, God was right and you don't have to worry anymore. You are the sun in my day. I love you more than you can 'amagen'. You do more than I ever can. Thank you for being brave.
CUE. SOBS.
sobs.
She's TEN. What a gift she is.
They are all gifts. Truly. One day the world will see.
In the midst of all this, where we were trying to make these big hard decisions, and Cale wasn't here and we weren't sure what that meant or what it meant next, we were walking in devastation. I wrote a chapter in the book about falling apart in the grocery store. It turns out, you and your kids still need food even when you are broken and it's never felt like a harder chore. You know how when you lose someone and the world keeps turning with or without you? Everyone around me was acting so normal when things clearly weren't (for me/us). I felt resentful for a minute like everything should just STOP and lemme catch my breath. But just for a minute... because we didn't lose him. He's just not here right now. So instead we PRAISE, hands lifted high, because our child is "just' not here right now... but will be again.
When we came home without him, we were all pretty wrecked for a while. It was so hard and confusing for all of us, but the other two trauma kids were triggered especially. Totally expected on some level, but there is more work to be done at home than Nathan and I initially realized. And life does keep going. We can't just lock ourselves in and skip dance recitals and hide from VBS or ignore other responsibilities. We have to show up. Just show up though, that was the goal. Then we found ourselves showing up and doing kinda okay. And then showing up and smiling.
We all felt much so much better once we got to see him and even more every time we see him again. The kids love photos of him and FaceTime and seeing that he really is okay. And not only okay, but working hard to get better and even having fun doing it.
Slowly but surely, we've seen them exhale. They've started to recognize an ease in every day things that wasn't there before. There's an element of guilt that comes along with that, but we can't let that spirit hold us down. It was never supposed to be that hard and they deserve to enjoy the little things in life. They constantly write him notes and draw him pictures, obviously keeping him close to their hearts. We deliver their mail every week and he loves every bit of it.
Layla is my Right Hand Man always, but we are thrilled that she has kept busy and found things she loves that allow her to be a 13yr old. She and Cale both LOVE that they share a number and I love her heart. She got braces and contacts and purple hair and returned to school with "a brand new face" she says, ha.
She generously left off the 10lbs I've gained due as a result of my undying devotion to caramel M&Ms of late. Ya'll pray for my gluttonous heart.
Thank God Brynn has dance. It is so good for her soul. We worried about her heading to camp and starting back in the middle of all this as less than her best.
But dance is her therapy.
She's not 100% but movement is freeing her soul without a doubt and I know it will only continue once classes resume.
Roman threw us for a little bit of a loop but he's coming back around. He's the most resilient child on the planet. I think once he gets to see Cale in person, it will be a game-changer. Their relationship is a complicated one and I don't know that either expected to miss each other as much as they have. Hoping to fix that soon!!
The little girls are doing great. Anna Gray loves to talk to Cale on FT, although she basically just asks him for pizza and ice cream since none of the rest of us are getting the job done, apparently. They both are little spirit lifters for sure!
Overall, things are settling and they are finding peace. They are being kids being kids. Glory. We are still a little all over the place, but we are most definitely trending upward.
THANK YOU.
