I love to tell the story...

I've told the story to approximately 72 people individually- always in slightly rushed and manic manor because it's soso good but also because I just generally don't have a lot of time to sit and chat.

I decided I should write it down because it is good and I don't want to forget any of it at all, ever.



It's been nearly two years since Roman came home (wait. what?) and we really did think we were done.  Six months ago, we packed up as much as we could in 48 hours and moved to a new community... new home, new schools, new church. That's a lot for anybody, but for kids sensitive to change (OURS), that's a LOT.  We know. But three of our kids had been expressing a need for more diversity- both in race and ability; and we could clearly see that this would be a great fit for our family.  More importantly, we felt clearly that this was God's plan for us. All of the doors opened at the exact same time. The transition was not flawless, but now we see our children building authentic relationships with peers, teachers, and in church. We see them being/feeling successful academically. We see them starting to stand on solid ground instead of trying to stay afloat.  Again, there is room for improvement always, but we can just see it happening before us. It's good. Like, GOOD.

After all this change, we thought we would just BE STILL for a while.

We did sort of casually start having little tiny conversations about "next time" jokejokeblahblah.
And Anna Gray being the tiniest person in the house but somehow ended up with the biggest bedroom, also the only one without a roomate... And what would life be like if we had two with Down syndrome? What would the future look like? Just brief, tiny little seeds convos.

Still, we were all talk because we had just survived all the changes. And Nathan was in the middle of a big, time-consuming inspection at work, and we still had two houses to sell. All talk.

Then we saw her.

For some reason, the conversation changed- quite naturally. Who would go with me to China? I mean, theoretically. And when would she be home? Theoretically. AND HER BIRTHDAY. AND HER NAME. AND... no no no. We can't. We can't.

Nathan has some friends who are considering adoption and I (lemme just test these waters right here...) suggested he send them "Anna Mae". His eyes got wide and he totally side-eyed me, "But I don't want to send them Anna Mae...." Yeah, I know. Me neither. CRAP.

We both knew it, but our stomachs were in knots.

We CAN'T, right?!
We have five kids who keep us crazy... busy. Crazy busy. 
It's insane, we can't.
We have two houses to sell.
Walk away and say no.
We don't even have an extra $350 to make the commitment right now.
It's okay. Because we can't. Say no.

We. can't. say. no.


We had a big family conversation - over the phone because Nathan had gone out of town that morning- about her. The three middles (B, C, R), they were begging please! please! please! Layla and I were looking at each other like: Yeeaahhh, ya'll the reason we hesitatin'...
We ended the call with: We aren't ready to say YES, but we really are not okay saying NO. We've talked and talked, analyzed every angle, the only thing left to do is pray.  We prayed together that God would give us a clear answer.

It was a Sunday.

After stressing it all morning, I loaded up the kids for church. I usually give them each a dollar for their tithe, but when I checked my purse, I only had three ones. They were fussing over who gets it, so obviously Jesus will have to go without- we will give Him nothing instead of arguing over it. Because that makes total sense.
"Guys, we are going in. God's got something for us today." was the last thing I said when we got out of the car.

I didn't realize we were going to have a guest speaker that day.
I was kind of bummed. Ba was visiting and I had been excited for her to experience our church, and to be totally honest, I wasn't really connected.  At the end, she called someone in the congregation out and shared what God was revealing to her for them. I looked at Cale seated next to me and said, "Don't let her look at me."
I knew. Knew.

Young lady? Yes, you, Little Mama.
(That was me.)
God has something to tell you....

She proceeded to speak total truths about who I am, who we are, who we want to be. She told us pieces of God's plan, not knowing they echoed exactly what Pastor had told me two weeks before.
I was shaking. Crying. Layla's arm was around me, she was shaking. Crying.

Our guest speaker interrupted herself and asked her assistant: How much money to I have in my wallet right now? I don't know if it's $5 or $500, but whatever it is, I'm supposed to give it to you now. 

It was $40 and she did.

Anyone else feel called to show this young lady what God has for her family?

Drum beats. Music.

Ya'll.

These people... our new church...they started walking up to us one by one. Filing by. Putting whatever they had in my hands.  One dollar, five dollars, a hug, three dollars, a few tens, a prayer, a handful of twenties... This is not an affluent area. These are not wealthy people. But they are God's people. This is what they had and this is what they gave. And they just kept coming.

Cale: Mama! Anna Mae! Anna Mae!
Shhhhhhh!
I shushed him. I was freaking out. I think I even said out loud- What is happening?!
WHAT IS HAPPENING.

As Brynn says, my head was spinning and I couldn't feel my feet.
It was crazy. All of it. Church ended with me still standing there thanking people as they squeezed my hand and left behind whatever had been in their's.

What had happened, what my kids experienced... I can't even explain what it did to/for us spiritually.

Of course, the kids couldn't wait to count this envelope full of money we had just come home with. I was still shaking so much I could barely separate the bills.

It totaled $347.

When I called Nathan (I don't know how he understood a word I said) and told him what had happened, what she (HE) said to us, that with the three ones still in my purse we now had exactly $350?! His only response was: HOLD HER FILE.

Are you sure?! Should we wait until you get home and talk some more?!

"Amma... Hold her file."

(This is also when he said 'We just got B****-slapped by Jesus, which I feel quite certain you are not supposed to say and probably not supposed to repeat it when telling a God-sized story, but ain't it true?!)


I contacted the agency immediately to hold her file. 

That same afternoon, someone made an offer on our house (which was not even on the market at the time). 

Oh, victory in Jesus...

April 2nd on April 4th.

Saturday was "Autism Awareness Day".

All kinds of people I love were represented by wearing blue and rainbow puzzle pieces and their own sweet faces shared, except my kid because it was also drill/single parent weekend and softball games and dance classes and broken washing machines and a couple of meltdowns that left me personally OH SO AWARE of autism.

Awareness is important when it leads to acceptance, acceptance comes with knowledge and understanding.

I have said publicly before that even we have questioned whether or not Cale is on the spectrum. He was diagnosed at three. His motor skills, fine motor skills, speech, and social skills were all quite delayed at that point. He had regular seizures and never slept. Constant meltdowns.

But now he's nine! He has a great vocabulary, an athletic gift, friends.  He's been seizure-free for five years.  He sleeps better now. He's doing great!

{Until he isn't.}

He was recently re-evaluated at Vandy and for a second, I thought they might come back and say... You know what? We were wrong. He just needed to catch up!

It's not that we wanted them to change the diagnosis or that changing it would change him at all. The letters 'ASD' (Autism Spectrum Disorder) on his chart can be both a blessing and a curse, but ultimately- there is no doubt that he needs services, modifications, and accommodations in order to succeed and if those letters get him that, then that's just fine by us. I just wondered...

But the truth is, even I fell into the autism stereotype. He doesn't fit it anymore, so maybe he doesn't have it?

In reality, he doesn't fit the "autism" mold, because there isn't one.
When you know one kid on the spectrum, you know ONE kid on the spectrum.

Here is what autism looks like in our world:

Cale has a great vocabulary... but if you pay attention, he's often repeating words/phrases he has heard without any understanding of context. He's also very literal.

He doesn't always understand social boundaries- why there is a time/place for certain conversations or why it's not appropriate to ask particular questions, like: My mom wears a bra. Do you wear a bra? However, a growing vocabulary has helped TREMENDOUSLY with his ability to tell us what he's upset about or that he needs a break.

He is charming, so charming, but even though he will strike up a conversation with just about anyone now, it's usually about himself LOL. In an effort to connect, he talks about things he's interested it. Kids his age are starting to pick up on this- sometimes they point out it's not relevant but sometimes they don't care :) He has claimed some peers as BFFs, though I'm not sure the other person is always aware of this agreement.

He does have incredible athleticism (just ask him)- but he's still quite clumsy. His fine motor skills have definitely improved, but things like writing take concentrated effort and he gets frustrated easily. He stims with his eyes if he's trying really hard to focus.

He's very affectionate, but only on his terms. His body reacts to unexpected touch, unless it's from Anna Gray. He lets her do whatever she wants...

He has very strong ...preferences... for a particular kind of plate, utensil, seat at the table, seat in the car, blanket, pillow, etc etc etc. I mean, most of us do, but if his is changed, his reaction could be anything from fidgety anxiety to full blown meltdown.

He wears Under Armor nearly every day because it feels good on his skin. Yesterday, he had on an Under Armor tee shirt for church and I asked him to put another shirt on top. He put another UA tee shirt on. I said, "Buddy, can you choose a shirt with a collar?" He came back wearing a collared UA shirt ;)

He wears headphones, even when they aren't plugged into anything. He's obsessed with sunglasses, they work like blinders (anybody remember when it was swim goggles though?  Breakfast table, in the car, in his sleep- all the time. SO CUTE.)

After eight years of NO sleep, he sleeps pretty well now.... with a very strict bedtime routine, meds, oils, a heavy blanket, and the dog on top of him. Mess with any of that and we all pay for days.

He eats a wide variety of food and even tries new things, but won't let any of it touch his lips. He opens his mouth wide and scrapes it off the fork with his teeth. Same with toothbrush... no lips.

He cannot stand to wait for anything: not for dinner to be ready or somebody to throw baseball with him or gum from the supermarket or replacement sunglasses when his break. He becomes obsessed. OBSESSED. Asking him to wait, might mean he follows you around or he wiggles like he can't hold his bladder, and asks over and over (politely), or he might get angry. He's very cut and dry: either XYZ is happening or it's not. "Later", "maybe", or "in a minute" don't register.

We have to talk him through options or help him choose a coping skill when our schedule changed, when laundry didn't get done, and when he's crying in the middle of a restaurant because the cheese is falling off his pizza.  The accommodations we make every day have become so second nature, we don't even realize we are doing it anymore. We don't think about doing these things for "autism", we do it for Cale.

Every morning Nathan sets the coffee timer to start for me and leaves me little notes on my Stevia packet (swoon, right?). Recently, Cale asked to leave me a note instead. On the packet, he only wrote: Cale Benjamin. Precious.

Cale has great manners.  He loves his baby sister. He knows everything about cars and (still) carries them around with him everywhere. He is a little human GPS. He is very mechanical and can take almost anything apart and put it back together. He has the best smile and some killer dance moves. He loves the color pink. He wants to play for the NFL and buy his mama a Jeep.

And Cale has autism.

We are lying liars.

We didn't mean to- REALLY.

When we heard God start to whisper, we actually tried to argue!

No way. Not now. That's crazy. We can't.

He whispered and we argued. SO HE GOT LOUDER.
Just to make sure we heard Him loud and clear.



Nathan said: We just got slapped by Jesus.
I don't think you're supposed to say that...

But he did. Because we did.





We have been confirmed over and over. And we can totally be crazy and happy at the same time.

We totally can. 

Lincoln Mabel West

We were approved by China back in February and the paperwork grind is well under way. 

I don't know why or how or what the heck ... but we cannot wait to get our hands on our precious daughter and watch her become everything she was born to be!