Christmas. I cried some.

Oh, me.
So good.

Last year I cried because Roman wasn't here. This year I cried because he is.
And then again every time he squealed with thank yous. The first night he opened gifts he thanked and thanked and delighted and overflowed. And then he found out he got to take it all home. He hadn't even known that and was still all full of happiness and gratitude. Precious.

Christmas morning, when his packages had been opened. He hugged my neck and said, "This is Roman's Christmas. I just can't believe it." I cried more. He was all warm and fuzzy and it made me so warm and fuzzy and so I cried.

And more times too.
I'm gonna bank on my kids not reading this for quite some time and call it safe to tell this story...

So, ya know Cale's had a rough few months. Painful. Well, we tried everything and finally found a tool that worked. Like, for real. THE BOY IS BACK. Nathan cried because he was so grateful to enjoy him again and Roman laughed and laughed to have the big brother he met in China again and our whole house just exhaled. OUR CALE IS BACK.

In the middle of his tough time, he also struggled with the Santa stuff. He tearfully said, "I just don't know what to believe anymore. And y'all ONLY give me pajamas, so you must not even love me." It was sad. And we almost would have told him just to ease his little mind, except one moment of anger and he would have spilled it to the remaining 7yr olds. We set him up for the big sell of Christmas magic and were feeling pretty confident, right up until the point where he found AG's big Santa gift. UGLY WORDS and giant kink in the plan.
Slight panic.
Resolution.
We decided to "move" some stuff around and give them each a gift from us so nothing was spoiled AND... because we do actually love them.
We managed to find the Number 1 thing on Cale's list (that we never intended him to have) and prepared to blow his mind. It worked.

He cried. So I cried.

At some point when I wasn't looking, Layla slipped this note in her middle sister's stocking.
I cried.

Our kids draw names for one another. Each gets a $10 budget and a special shopping trip to choose a gift for their sibling. I heard a certain pair of twins (who drew each other's names) whisper, "We're the best ones...". Blows me away how well they all know each other. They never miss!

Santa didn't do so bad either.

They're the cutest. I just love hearing them giggle and scream. Layla is the loudest and always yells, "Mama! Look!" and then proceeds to tell me all about the item she unwrapped... even though she knows I'm the one who wrapped it. She gets caught up in it, she says. So sweet, that little lady.

Snapshots of Christmas morn' around about 3:30am (before Nathan went to work.)

Santa wraps presents but doesn't put names on them. They have to open their stockings first, a piece of their wrapping paper is at the bottom so they know what to happen.

They each had three to open and one that didn't fit under the tree.

Happy/surprised kiddos for sure. Santa has helpful elves :)

{See new banner for details ^^ :) :) }

Karaoke ALL THE DAY LONG. 

This was my 33rd Christmas and I have never, that I can remember, stayed home on Christmas morning. We have always had to rush to be somewhere.  This was a first and it was lovely. We missed Nathan, of course, but I could really dig the idea of staying in our PJs and playing for a while before buzzing about.

Fav family (pre)photo:

With very, very little sleep and an overwhelming to do list still left, we were all sort of losing our marbles by the end of the day.
I cried some.
But there is much to be thankful for and these that are mine are at the top of the list. Makes me cry a little more. (Which really confuses Roman... happy crying.) 2014 was a good one.

Happy Christmas, ya'll.

Syrup-y Sweet!!

Our December calendar is packed tighter than sardines. It always looks worse on "paper" (slash wall calendar slash phone scheduler) than it really is, but it can be pretty overwhelming. Like most everyone else, we have countless Christmas gatherings, Nutcracker rehearsals/performances, a handful of birthday parties, our regular medical appointments plus 8 more, and Nathan is out of town for a few days- all in the first three weeks. Because then Christmas and then Disney- except there is not a breath in between.

Nathan has to work Christmas Day, so we are going to get the kids up at 3:00AM to see if Santa came. So that if he does, Nathan can be there to enjoy it too. Of course, a full day of Christmas-ing will follow. While the children sleep it off, we will be unloading all gifted items from Margot the Cargo and re-packing her with suitcases, Disney-bound bright and early.

I am grateful for every single bit. Really, really grateful. {Also, a little uncomfortable having so much.}

After a rough start to Friday, we decided it was best to end with a warm fuzzy and surprise the kids with baking/decorating cookies and a movie.

Two were not quite feeling the holiday cheer so they got the Clark Griswold "Jolliest-bunch-of A-holes-this-side-of-the-nuthouse" speech....

Good to go!
It's a Christmas miracle.

They took turns rolling, cutting, placing dough without a single squabble.

^^AG's peace sign and little gapped piggies <3 p="">

Just a little family ballet while we wait for the timer.

It looks like I said, "Now everybody prep...". I didn't. Such things just spontaneously occur at our house. One starts and then everyone else needs to know they can do it too. Rock on, little dancers.

Roman has still been a bit unsure about this whole "Dad" business, so Nathan has been very intentional about their time together. They got to hang during his transfusion Friday and then Nathan took him to the base. While he is still very (very) much a mama's boy, Daddy has now climbed way up the ladder!

Roman was a little confused at first by this everybody in the kitchen business. By the time we got to the point of consumption, he kept saying You are a GOOD Mommy! haha

Photo cred; Cale B ^^

There's nothing up there, obvs. But it's cute. 

I love this evolution....

Decorate....devour... more please?...then I'll have this, thanks.

Good times were had by all. 

Between the calendar and the gift-giving of the season, we are determined to keep the value on people and experiences.

That's been our focus for a while now. You may have heard me tell the story of two-year-old Layla, surrounded by gifts we were all so excited to give her and her sobbing big fat alligator tears. She was so overwhelmed by all the stuff. Never again. 

Even Santa is a minimalist. He does bring their most wished-for items, but not much else. Now there are five- which does spread the dollars a little thinner. I could easily have found myself swept up in the gifting this year- especially with it being Roman's first. I want to to GIVE HIM ALL THE THINGS. 

We made a list of things they'd love to have and things we'd love to give them and then we crossed most of it out. We stuck to our guns. It's a good principle, right? It is. We should stick to it. Oh, but I wish we could give.... Nope. Sticking. But we could justify... nope, can't do it.  I KNOW Roman will not be disappointed, but I feel weirdly guilty for "spoiling" him too much already and guilty for not spoiling him more.  In fact, Aubrie's Angels even contacted us and asked us to consider making a wishlist for Roman (or any, as four of our's qualify). We declined. Let someone else have it.

Ya'll. 

They did it anyway.

Children with special needs often require more specialized toys and items to optimize their learning and stimulate their brains and bodies in a manner that maximizes their potential and success in their homes, schools, and communities. Insurance typically provides necessary medical equipment; however, it is the toys that put the “fun” in functional and motivate children to learn continuously even when the task is difficult, uncomfortable, or even painful. Sensory and adaptive toys are often too expensive or difficult to access for parents of children with special needs due to the many costs, including financial, emotional, and social costs, which are involved with providing for that child. By helping to provide these children with toys and other items that provide quality, meaningful stimulation, these children may receive months and years of a sensory-rich environment that optimizes their potential for independence with communication, mobility, and self care.- Aubrie's Angels

I cannot explain to you what they have done for my kids this Christmas! (The kids don't know it yet, of course.) Things that we only WISH we could have gotten our kids were loaded into my car for them. Things it never even occurred to be to get them and things I didn't know existed. LAWSY MERCY. A few things were put away for upcoming birthdays, etc. because they seriously blessed our socks off, but I cannot wait to see their faces Christmas morning/middle of the night! And LOVE LOVE LOVE to see them become better/stronger/happier versions of themselves by playing!

THANK YOU, AUBRIE'S ANGELS AND ALL THE LITTLE COMMUNITY ELVES THAT ARE GIVING!! Truly, truly appreciated. 

Hope we can be involved on the flip side next year!

Follow them on FB HERE to see all the awesomeness. There's still time to be a part of it!

Beauty from ashes...

I have some friends that only paint adoption with puppies and rainbows, and I have some friends that only share the ugly truths for the purpose of education... {I feel like I've been that girl lately because we happen to be in a tough stage.} 

It's both.

It is gritty and tough, no doubt. At the same time... there is something beautiful about two little girls born to different mothers on opposite sides of the world choosing to be sisters. Not just living in the same space parented by the same adults, but choosing to love unconditionally, choosing to share life and hearts and germs and favorite things.

While it could be sad, there is something precious about seeing a 7-year-old boy enjoy his first Thanksgiving dinner. (Did he ever...)

Our kids used to fight over sitting in this one particular seat at the dinner table- for no logical reason- so we made every seat have a purpose and they rotate clockwise every night. (is that normal? does that sort of silliness happen in your house?? can other families just sit down and eat??) One of them is the Prayer Seat; whoever is in that seat blesses our dinner. Roman was fascinated at first, trying to figure it all out.

For one, why are we closing our eyes when I'm hungry and there is food in front of me? Two, who in the world are they talking to??

He still doesn't actually have the answers, but he loves the Prayer Seat regardless.
For weeks, when his turn came around, I would say something simple and he would repeat me. This week, he said No help please. And then he went down the list of all the things he was thankful for: Thank you so much my Mama, my Baba, my brudda, my sistahs, my bed, my food, professional football, college football, Roman's football and the men (Amen). 

He really is that grateful for all these things he didn't have before. And that's beautiful.

Don't get me wrong, he is already spoiled rotten. It was an accident, I swear. At first, we would let him pick out things here and there because the boy had NOTHING that belonged to him. Not a lot of things, just a little. Then he caught the allowance bug, but as sure as he had a buck or two in his "bank", he needed to buy something. We don't allow access to their banks after Thanksgiving (they can earn, but not spend- no need) and now he pouts that he can't buy what he wants at the store. But... Christmas is a'comin and he has NO IDEA.

We have been trying to explain Christmas, both in the good Christian way and also in the very realistic "You are about to get a crap-ton of presents." way.  It is his first Christmas in a sense and it's all.so.magical.

We put up the trees together, but I decorated the rest of the house Monday while they were at school. His face LIT UP when he saw. He hugged my neck and whispered, "Thank you for my beautiful home.  Roman's house so pretty." no less than 12 times.


That's adoption, too.

I love that Brynn saved her allowance for her school's angel tree.  I love that Layla is making homemade gifts for each sibling, just because. I love that Cale wants to buy Pokemon cards for his sister (and LOVE that he was actually excited to draw her name),  I love that Roman squeals with delight when he finds Carly (our elf)- who is not naughty because she's tired, but she moves around while they're at school. I love that Anna Gray tattles on herself with a smile. That's not adoption, that's just sweet kids.

I love every inch of them. It's always loud, it's always busy, it's always messy. Sometimes it's sad and painful and overwhelmingly hard. Sometimes it's precious and considerate and overwhelmingly easy.

  I love this bunch no matter how they got here.

Prisoner of Hope.

I have four unpublished contradictory posts.

On any given day, I could write about goodfunhappy things happening here and in the same breath tell you it's been so damn hard.

Even though it's been more than three months (wha-huh?!), we are still in a very... fresh... place.

I've been fairly transparent about our transition to seven. I've simplified and protected and diluted our reality, but yeah.... it ain't been easy.

Not that we expected it to be by any means, but we didn't expect THIS.
It's not about the busyness or the number of people colliding. It's not the every day parenting of puking kids or fussy kids or kids who don't want to do their homework. It's residual pain in a very young person, leftover or turned over or re-ignited. And hurt people hurt people.

I honestly miss the days when we were just a regular family- that happened to be built through adoption.  I don't want adoption to define my children or my family (Because... they're just kids. And we're just a family.), but it is very much an active topic in our home these days while we figure out the new layers that make our cake.

I know in my heart of hearts that this is not forever. That this is NOT our new normal. It can't be.  There are hearts to be healed and changes to process and some day, truth and light will prevail. So we cling to the good days (or the good hours) like prisoners of hope.

All that being said, please pray for Cale Benjamin. He is THE sweetest Cale in the whole wide world, but he's buried way down deep to protect himself. It comes and goes unexpectedly, so a beautiful moment can quickly turn ugly or vice versa.

Additionally, we are seeing signs of what might be resumed seizure activity.  I suspect it could just be physical manifestations of his stress level, but we will do an ambulatory EEG to be sure. If nothing else, we can rule it out. Please, please be in prayer for him and for us. 

It's hard as hell but I love these faces. And I will do WHATEVER.IT.TAKES. to make sure they know it.