Needless to say, we have been in what we now call "Granny Detox" for the last two weeks.
It takes a while to get that sense of entitlement out of their systems and this particular detox has been a doozie. Now it's back to reality where you never get to do or have anything.
Except- I'm a cool mom who plans crafts and activities and brain stimulation and animal-shaped food for empty summer days.
On Wednesday, when my kids woke up, I had colored milk waiting for them so they could "paint" their toast for a fun breakfast.
Then I took them to the $1 movie, a picnic lunch, and to play in the fountains.
FUN, right?!
Except after the rad breakfast, and after the movie (where I spoiled them with pretzel M&Ms), but right before running playfully through the water with friends... one of them grumbled "It's not fair that I don't get to go to summer camp to do fun things like those kids." Um... you mean the kids that just went to the same movie you did and then played in the same fountains?!
Oy.
This parenting thing is tricky. Some days I think I'm starting to get the hang of it and other days I think someone else should take over, because clearly, I ain't teachin' them nuthin.
Yesterday, the entitlement once again started leaking out so very early in the morning. A little one marched into my room, arms crossed and ready to battle. "I think it's breakfast time and I want cereal." Good morning.
You may eat breakfast and you may fix it yourself, but you may not have cereal.
Well... I want it.
No cereal.
I was barely awake and not super excited about the way I was greeted, so I didn't explain that the only reason I bought cereal (somewhat unusual for us) was because I was planning a themed family-movie night with DIY movie necklaces that included pretzels, cereal, etc. Also, because I knew that having to wait all day for the cereal he had discovered was just way too long for him to wrap his mind around. So... a simple "No" should do, I thought.
That's why I was a little surprised to see all three of them rushing to put their dirty cereal bowls in the sink no more than five minutes later. They knew. And they had planned a united front (gotta give them credit for that). They decided they should get to make their own choices because they didn't like mine. They are grown up and they want to be in charge of themselves. This went on for a minute about how I make them eat "leaves" (spinach) and brush their teeth ALL the time and even make them clean the sink when they're done. And do you know that they have to carry their dirty clothes DOWNSTAIRS to be washed and dried?!
Ahem.
It's okay, you can laugh. Because you don't live here.
I see now where the 'ole "I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I CAN TAKE YOU OUT!"came from. Not my style and also not true and therefore, not effective. I did not yell or shame or guilt.
I simply said... "You're right. You are a person and you have the right to make your own choices. Starting right now, I will treat you like a grown up."
By.the.way.
I have a friend coming over. So, thanks for stopping by but I need to clean up this room so I can turn it into my craft room before she gets here. Hmm... wonder if AG wants the bigger room? I'll need to try to sell all these toys and books I bought, I won't need them anymore. Do you want to buy some of them for your new place? Do you have money to buy them? Do you have a job to make money? I'll let you figure that out while I put those clean clothes in a box for Goodwill....
Yeah, I did.
Cue confused looks.
"This is my room."
Actually.... Daddy and I own this house. We provided a room for you because we think kids deserve to have a room, and a bed, and warm covers. Also, we bought all those groceries so you would have healthy food to eat and grow up big and strong but I guess you're big now?! And also, I washed and dried and folded those clothes so you would have clean clothes to wear, I sure didn't want you to be the stinky kid. We've been happy to do those things for you, but since YOU are in charge of YOU, we won't need to do that now. Shew! My life just got WAY easier.
Layla burst into tears.
She cried for about three minutes and then, "Mommy, I don't want this!". We talked about what she DID want: a room, a bed, clean clothes, food to eat, toys to play with. Awesome, I am more than happy to give you those things. Here's what I need: RESPECT AND APPRECIATION.
Oh. And I need it in writing. Because that's what adults do when they agree on something. That way, it's clear what we are both responsible for and if one of us doesn't hold up our end of the bargain, a judge can make a fair decision.
Ten minutes later, she was back with a "contract".
I really wasn't that harsh, but I think she got the point.
The other two? Not so much.
They wanted to know if it was snack time.
Did you bring a snack? Did you find a way to make money to buy a snack? I bought some snacks I thought you would enjoy, but I'm keeping those now because you said you don't want *my* food.
More grumbling. Add ugly words.
They did get a little better by lunchtime, but Jordan was here and quite honestly, I probably wasn't doing a great job of sticking to my guns as I was rushed and distracted. And because, you know, people were watching. Though we did reach a "you eat the stuffed peppers I made or you don't eat" lunch agreement. Okay. Hopeful.
But by the time Anna Gray and I (and our tag-along, much inproved version of Layla) got home from therapy, there were loud/angry noises coming from upstairs. Then slamming doors. Then stomping. I met them in the hallway and reminded them that it is disrespectful to speak to other grown ups that way, especially in their own home. And when growns ups speak to us that way in our home, we ask them to leave.
Brynn asked to go to sleep. Best for all, we agreed. Cale marched right out the back door. He stood on the porch and said, "I guess I live out here now, but you'll make me stay in your yard because you hate me!" Nope, I love you and you can decide where you live. I went back inside.
He wandered in a circle for a minute before going thru the fence to the front yard where he knows he's not allowed to be when I'm in charge.
He kept turning around to see if we were watching.
^^ Hiding in the utility room... watching.^^
He got up, walked to the end of the driveway and checked again. We weren't
About a minute later, I heard a gentle knock on the back door. Cale wanted to talk.
My arms were actually aching, but stubbornly refusing to scoop him up, while he told me he knows that we work hard to give him everything and he should be grateful.
I didn't want to lecture him to death (pointless), but wanted him/them to understand.
Buddy, we love you. And we would LOVE it if you would live here with us for a little while longer.
Robotic yes ma'am.
We are trying to teach you to be grateful now, so you'll be grateful when you are grown up.
Robotic yes ma'am.
We are trying to teach you to be respectful now so you'll be respectful when you are grown up.
Robotic yes ma'am.
But right now, you are a kid and we are the grown ups.
Robotic yes ma'am. Pause. "And you don't have to be respectful!"
Him being a grown up is really far away. And he doesn't really know what that has to do with today. I want my kids to be kids. I really do. But I also really want them to be grateful for the life they have. It's not a lot to some, but it IS a lot. He can't think big picture like that. He can only see what's right in front of him.
Buddy... is Daddy a grown up?
Robotic yes ma'am.
And you want to be grown up like Daddy?
Robotic yes ma'am.
Is Daddy disrespectful when Mommy makes dinner? Even if it isn't very good?
That got him. Big tears in big brown eyes.
"No ma'am. Never. He says 'Thank You' even when it's not good!"
And when your wife or husband makes you a dinner that's not very good, will you be disrespectful?
"No ma'am. Never!" Longer pause. "I was disrespectful today and I'm sorry." Pause. "You can hug me if you want to."
DEAL. Where do I sign?
Then Mommy respectfully asked Daddy to respectfully make us some margaritas. And she was grateful.
