Farethewell, Heidi Lou =(

We had to find a new home for our beloved Heidi. We have been torn about it for weeks. She was a GREAT dog, but the closer it got to deployment the more stressed I got about having an extra something to take care of. On the good days, I barely knew she was here. But on the bad days, she was the one who put me over the edge! Most of the time, she kept to herself, but she stayed right under my feet ALL the time. She was awesome with the kids, but when they were wild, she was wild. And on those days when they got to running around, it always seemed to be her that ended up knocking over the stack of laundry I just folded. Plus, our pretty, non-shedding dog, definitely shed. These darn hardwood floors drive me insane as they are, her hair on them was the worst part! She loved our neighbor's to the point that I think she drove them crazy which worried us to death. It was just a long list of things, that I feel awful saying, I don't have time to worry about right now.

The good news is that she is now living with a friend of mine and her kids LOVE her as much as ours did! So we will get to see her on playdates and such. It worked out well since we were going out of town on Friday, they were going to puppy-sit for the weekend as a trial run and see how she worked for their family. I cried when we left her on Friday knowing we may not pick her back up, and then I cried even more on Sunday when they said they wanted to keep her! I'm really glad they love her so much, but I'm really going to miss her! Apparently, Layla had already mentioned to her boys that it was a possibility Heidi may be a permanent fixture in their home because her middle child, Will, told his Momma L was getting a pig! (She wants a guinea pig lol). The boys (ages 5 and 2) were SUPER-SWEET though and called me after she told them they were keeping Heidi to thank us and tell us they will take great care of her and how happy they are!!

So far, everyone in our house is adjusting well. Layla is going back and forth between missing Heidi and asking for that guinea pig. I miss her like crazy but it is less stressful already. Cale hasn't seemed to notice at all and Brynn has named every stuffed animal we have 'Heidi', which I guess is a 2-yr-olds way of realizing she's gone. I hate that we had to lose her but I know she's happy and well taken-care of!

Thanks Ashley, Chris, Cain, Will, and Bella for loving our Heidi just like we do!!

Wish us luck!

I realize I've been completely MIA lately. Remember all those posts about how busy our life was going to get? Yeah... it's time. Unfortunately, now is exactly when we need to be using the blog to be keeping our family and friends updated with what's going on in our lives and I don't have time to do it!

I'll try to catch up as soon as I can, promise. Here's a brief run-down of where we've been since my last post...
Last Friday Nathan and I left for Greensboro, GA for Stacey's wedding! The kids spent Friday with my cousin, Sarah, who is here for the summer from North Carolina. I think everyone survived fairly well! Brynn stayed the weekend with Ge, Ba, and Sarah. Cale went to Deda and Poppy's and Layla went camping with Nonie and Pap. Nathan and I picked up Denise and Danielle and drove about 6 hours, getting us east of Atlanta for the weekend wedding. More on that later :) We were home in time for Memorial Day and squeezed in a few cookouts in honor those who have served our country. Thanks to Nathan's career change, he was able to actually spend the holiday WITH us, which was wonderful.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tomorrow is Bella's first day with us!! We are so excited :) It's been a long time since we've had a baby in the house. It's so strange to have the bouncy seat and play yard and all these baby things back out. I didn't get everything out yet, since she won't be here full time until August. I got to spend some time with her over the weekend since she is Stacey's niece and she is SUCH a good baby (and so pretty lol). The kids are really excited. I can't wait to see how they, especially Brynn and Cale, interact with her and how the dynamics of our daytime house changes by having an infant in the house! I'm just a wee bit nervous to throw a 4th into the mix and see how I'm able to balance everyone, especially since once she's here full-time, Layla will actually be in school. So these part-time days will actually be crazier than what our "normal" days will look like OR Layla could end up being more help than I realize and I will miss her when she's gone! Who knows?! Guess we'll see tomorrow. Fingers crossed!!

**LP did already inform me that I can't call her "Miss Bella" because she "is only zero years old and isn't old enough to be a Miss yet" lol. * Guess she has to earn that title... **

Isaac's sleepover!

Isaac spent the night with us Sunday! It was our 2nd attempt, but our first success. Last time we had only pulled in the driveway when he said he wanted to go home (40 mins away...). This was actually the first time he's really stayed away from home unless it was a grandparent or the boys across the street, so we are quite proud of him- and he did GREAT! They all did- they played SOOOO well together the whole entire time. Layla and Isaac are either the best of friends or fussing like cats and dogs, but they never did, not once. They were overly-sweet to each other (actually, he called her "sweetpea" the whole time, lol). L kept whispering to me that she was really nervous he was going to change his mind again, but he never brought it up! They wanted to sleep on the top bunk together, even though the bottom bunk is much larger and they actually asked to go to bed just before 8 o'clock- they were exhausted from playing so hard! They weren't thrilled with the idea of including the twins in everything, and the little two wanted to do EVERYTHING the big kids did which was adorable to watch, but I gave them some privacy every once in a while. They all had an awesome time, I'm sure we will try to do it again soon!

Layla and Isaac begged me (like they needed to...) to take their picture over and over and we ended up with some hilarious shots! TOO TOO cute!

I love 2-yr-old speak!

Cale: I want a bite, Mama.
Me: No, Sir.
Cale: I want a bite!
Me: Cale, you should have eaten your lunch. You're not eating mine.
Cale: (grabs for my food anyway...)
Me: Cale Benjamin, that is bad manners. You don't touch other people's food.
Cale: Mama! Put. it. in. my. mouff. pweeeease!!

(I love that they think adding please to anything automatically makes it ok!).
So it was still totally with attitude and completely rude, but still precious at the same time lol. Love it.

This kid is hilarious.

My Worst Fear.

This world is a scary, scary place but every once in a while, especially living in a small town, it starts to feel safe. It feels warm and happy and it feels like bad things only happen to other people, people on the outside, people out there. Unfortunately, that's not true and it took something very scary and very real happening to a friend of mine yesterday to bring me right back to reality. My WORST fear.

Yesterday, my friend "K" (I don't want to use her name to protect her and her family, although she has given me permission to talk about her experience on my blog), took her 2-month old and her 2-yr-old boys to Walmart. She got what she needed, and made her way back out to her vehicle. While her oldest son was sitting in the big part of the cart, she took the baby (who was strapped into his carseat) and turned to put him in the car, when she turned back around, she watched in horror as a man wrapped his arm around her 2-yr-old and pulled him out of the cart. K immediately started screaming and hitting the man as hard as she could until the man dropped her son, she then threw him in her car as quickly as possible and locked the doors before falling to the ground. Another couple heard her screams and came over to help. They did call 911, but the man got away. K was able to memorize his license plate and the make/model of his vehicle, one or both of which was apparently stolen. Walmart's surveillance camera's caught the whole thing on tape and also showed that the man/men had basically been stalking the parking lot all day, probably waiting for this opportunity to present itself.

As soon as she shared her experience, I LOST it. I sobbed. At first for her, but then just out of complete fear for myself and every other mother out there that could potentionally be targeted. Then she told me how much she had thought of me afterwards- more tears. I cried off and on all day over this. I'm absolutely terrified of this every.single.week. I take these kids to Walmart with me by myself every week and deal with this anxiety for the same reason- I have three kids, and only two hands. My kids don't want to stay in carts anymore, they want out, they want to walk/run around. If they get even just a few steps ahead of me, it would be SO easy for someone to snatch them up and what am I supposed to do?! Go after them and leave the other two behind?! Stay with the other two and let someone run off with my baby?! And every week I fret over loading/unloading one kid while the other one or two sit in the cart. How do I even return my cart?! Leave my kids in the car while I walk away?! I don't think so. I'm TERRIFIED of this EXACT thing that just happened to someone close to me! It CAN happen! To ANYONE! And I try to plan my weekly trips so that Nathan and I can go together or I can leave the kids at home with him while I go, but that rarely works out. Plus, he's leaving and I'm going to be doing this on my own now. So now what?!

I'm afraid, but even I start to back off because I don't want to live in fear and I don't want to believe it can happen to me. And it's HARD. It's hard and it's exhausting and it's time consuming to be THAT cautious all the time. And then something like this happens. E could have been gone. Just like that, in the blink of an eye- she watched a stranger grab her child and he could have been gone. I know I'm all over the place right now, but I am freaking out. That could have been anyone. It DOESN'T just happen to other people. It DOESN'T just happen in big cities. It can happen to you, it can happen to me. Anyone, anytime, anywhere.

Hold your babies tight. Don't take your eyes off them for a second. So what if it's hard? So what if it takes a minute longer? It's worth every minute we have those sweet things next to us.

My legal rights.

A few weeks ago, Nathan brought it to my attention that while he is gone, I will be his Power of Attorney and will legally be able to make any decisions on his behalf. In order to make the time go by faster, I have decided to have a little fun with this. I have been tossing around some ideas on how to use this power to my advantage. I can sell our house and buy a new one. I can bring home more babies :) I can divorce AND remarry him, haha... the advantage there is that I will need to buy myself a big ole' new sparkly ring for that one! I have toyed with legally changing his name... I'm thinking that I like... Crapbag. No middle, no last. Just Crapbag. Like Madonna. (No, it's not original, Friends fans. I know that.). I am FOR SURE selling ALLL of his clothes and shoes and replacing them in order to prove to him that he can look cute and still be comfortable without wearing jeans and old t-shirts- it is possible, Nathan Allen. Technically, I don't need legal rights to do that, I just need him to not be here to stop me. See how positive I'm being?! Hmmm... I'm gonna have to keep thinking on this. I feel like a superhero who has just discovered her power. Cool.

Naked twins are the cutest!

The twins were having a BFF moment in the bathtub (its their happy place) and I just couldn't resist. I mean, one naked toddler is adorable, but two is painstakingly precious. And then they got all giggly and twin-lovey and I thought my poor heart was going to split right in two! I know I'm biased, but try and tell me this isn't one of cutest things you've ever seen...

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.

These are a few of the pics that Leslie took from Saturday's performance at Opry Mills. It was a lot of fun! The stage was smaller than anticipated so it took a little mid-dance improvisation, and it was slick under those boots... but fun! Man, I love this stuff. It never gets old. And I'm super-glad that Nathan and the kids (and the Mitchells and Mom) all got to be there to watch this time. A lot of the time when I dance it's either on a shoot on location somewhere or late at night, so I was glad to have my family in the audience :)

A Grateful Mother.

Mother's day-
"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him."
Psalm 127:3

We had a really nice day yesterday. So glad the rain stayed away for most of it! No stress... other than that whole "Nathan locked our keys in the car at church" fiasco, but that only lasted 45 minutes or so, no big deal :) After that, we went to mom's and grilled out for lunch. The kids played on the swing set, tried out the kite, whacked a few plastic golf balls, and secretly threw as many things in the hot tub as they could when they thought no one was looking. From there, we went to celebrate with Nonie and Meme for a yummy dinner and more outside playing. They love the ride-on toys and playing with all the cousins. We got home too late to do whatever Nathan and the kids have planned for my Mother's Day, the kids were filthy and worn out! All three fell asleep in the car on the way home.

All day yesterday, my sweet husband kept trying to dote on me and make me feel special. He does that, mostly, because he knows I spend most of my Mother's Day running around to celebrate all the other mothers in our lives and have occasionally pouted over getting over-looked myself. You know, during one of those moments. Look, I am who I am people, at least I admit it! But the last couple of years, I have spent Mother's Day trying to wrap my head around this day. It's a weird day for me.

On the one hand...
I work my butt off. Yeah, I said it. I am well aware. And I am not exactly opposed to having one day a year where I get a little recognition for it. Granted, both my husband and my children do try to show me regularly that they appreciate the things I do for them and I love my "job" as their mom, wouldn't trade it for the world. But it's a tough job, so an annual treat won't be rejected by me.

On the other hand...
(My friend, Leslie, and I have talked about this a lot), when you struggle with infertility the way we did/have/are, Mother's Day can be a real slap in the face. Yes, it becomes bittersweet when you actually have a squishy, snotty someone to give you homemade cards and flower rings made of felt (thank you, Layla... it's itchy but I love it) but the ache in your heart that you feel on the Mother's Days prior to that never really goes away and you still feel it for the those you know who don't have their felt rings yet and are sitting in the pew next to you at church, while you stand with all the other moms when asked.

On the third hand... (I'm a mom with three kids, trust me... there IS a third hand, it just appears when you need it somehow).
I can't really spend Mother's Day feeling all "I'm so special" when I know that I wouldn't even be a mom if it weren't 1) for that sweet man spending his whole day trying to make me feel that way and 2) for R, the twins' firstmom, who did something SO HARD, something I could never even imagine doing, just because she loved those babies so much. I know how much I love my kids, more than I ever thought possible, and yet, I cannot even fathom how much love and courage and strength it takes from a mother, from their mother, to trust them in the hands of another. Actually, now that I think about it... R didn't know me. It wasn't that she trusted another mother, she trusted a father. The Father. And I wouldn't be their mother if she didn't trust the Father.

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me."
Matthew 18:5

So thank you, Nathan, Layla, Brynn, and Cale. . Thank you, R. And thank you, Jesus... for making me a mother.

In a better mood today...

Maybe it's the sunshine (please stay, I beg you)...

I got to shoot the finals for the Tennesee Titans Cheerleaders try-outs last night. I really wasn't in the mood, but it ended up being a lot of fun! A dancing friend of mine was one of the finalists and she made the team! Congratulations, Danielle!! I haven't shot anything like that in a while, so it was a nice challenge.


Speaking of dancing...
If you are out around Opry Mills tomorrow afternooon, I have a dance performance at center court on behalf of the Wildhorse Saloon at 4 o'clock!! It's me and three of the dance instructors. We are doing two back-to-back dances, and it should be a lot of fun to watch :)

Bring it, old man. I dare you.

Dear old man across the street,

I see you standing at the end of your driveway giving me dirty looks because our yard is up to my elbows. And yes, I remember that the last time it was this tall, you mowed a single strip across the middle of my lawn as some sort of threat to prove a point that *I* was making the neighborhood look bad, despite the fact that you have red and yellow plastic flowers planted all over your yard year-round. Well, it's a little chilly and I'm still in my pajamas so I'm not going to come stare back at you; I will, however, fight back on my blogspot, which thanks to my stress level and lack of sleep the last few weeks, is quickly turning into my bitchspot.

Let me tell you a few things.
1) The last time it got this tall and you stood at the end of your driveway like that, just before making your move, my husband had been in Texas for five months leaving me here with a 3-yr-old, 7-month-old twins, a broken lawn mower and more drama than you can even imagine. I was not able to mow my own lawn and for two weeks, no one had offered to mow it for me and I was too stressed out and yes, too stubborn, to ask for help. Just for the record, I let my dog poop in your yard because you made me cry. I just didn't need that rudeness at that moment.

2) In case you haven't noticed, it's been raining for 7,000 days strait. And in the brief moments it has stopped, like say now for instance at 8:16am, my husband is at work and not here to mow. Surely you don't expect me to apologize for the fact that my husband has a job that supports his family. If my lawn bothers you that much, by all means, come right over and mow it yourself.

I don't know what it is about us that bothers you so much. We are not the only ones on the street with tall grass right now. We are not the only ones with a dog who gets out. We ARE the only ones with small children. Perhaps the squeals and laughter coming from our backyard annoy you? I'm not sure. But I am cranky today and I suggest you walk past your multi-colored plastic plants and back into your house or I am sending the dog AND Brynn over. And let me tell you, Sir, one hour with her and you will wonder how our yard ever gets mowed. Get moving, Buddy.

Your unkept neighbor

A taste of what's to come...

I know I haven't updated in a week and that's it driving some of you crazy :)
I only say that because several of you have told me so, either out of concern or annoyance because you are freaking tired of looking at the s'mores! Yeah, I know. We have been so so so busy the last several days, and things are just getting started. Oh, boy.

This past weekend, Nathan had super-drill. Which means he spent four days at guard, most of which was in Tullahoma overnight. We really didn't see him the whole time. I had a couple of plans and had to utilize some of my sitters, but even so, still got a really good look at what life without him is going to look like this time around.

Thursday was okay- the kids kept asking where Daddy was when he didn't come home and I don't love going to bed alone, but no big deal. Friday was crazy. I HAD to run errands alll day long with all three kids in the POURING DOWN rain. In and out of the car a thousand times. We were spending the night at mom's that night, but they weren't home yet so we hung out at Paige's for a few hours (with no electricity!). And that was really fun. It ended up being a late night for everybody, the twins didn't sleep well bc of the storm, which meant I didn't sleep well, and I had to be up at 4:30 to run a special errand :) I met back up with my parents and the kids at lunchtime in Franklin, TN and watched Casey play a couple basketball games. Got home around dinner time, but we all passed out briefly. Woke up in time for Nathan to run and pick us up a bite. And then back to bed. He was gone again before we woke up the next morning. Took the twins to church myself. After church, we grabbed something to eat, a change of clothes, then I drove them to back to White House and dropped them off so I could turn around and drive back to Nashville for a 2 1/2 hour dance rehearsal. AFter rehearsal, I drove back to White House to pick everybody up and then back home to H'ville in time for dinner. All three kids fell asleep on the way home and never woke up until morning and I wished I could have. We were EXHAUSTED.

Granted, I missed out on some sleep Friday night and was already emotionally on edge... but it was so much harder than I expected. By Sunday night, I was in tears saying, "I can't do this". I realize that I have to, it just hadn't occurred to me that I would struggle so much and that was WITH help. I know that not all of our days are going to be that busy. I know I have a HUGE support system of family and friends and I am SO grateful. But I am also stubborn and hate relying on the help, plus I feel so darn guilty. We chose to have three children, we chose to be a military family- why should anyone else have to help us through those choices?

I don't want my posts to start being whiney and depressing either. I think I am just now dealing with the reality of what's about to happen and how it's really going to effect ME. So... I'll try to be done, just really wanted to update what was going on with us and where I've been for the last week (everywhere!).

This week isn't as bad because some of our plans have changed. Another dance rehearsal. Group photo shoot downtown. DANCE PERFORMANCE AT OPRY MILLS SATURDAY!! lol. Come watch :) And of course, Mother's Day. Pretty low-key for us!